February 29, 2016
French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you
Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales. Ibiza…nuff said. Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket. So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat. It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter. But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do. I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning. My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast. But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter. Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter. Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over. Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup. Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins. Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min). Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
November 23, 2015
Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump. Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again. The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough. It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms. Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min). Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).
July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity
You’ve done good tonight. A for effort! All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move. But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert. It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish. You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too. Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date. Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!
• This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!
July 1, 2015
When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”
Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut. Read the rest of this entry »
June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.
This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »
April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all
You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods. But you eat it anyway. Sinner. Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire. Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it. Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable. It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest. The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches. This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite. Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »
June 2, 2014
There ain’t nothing awful about these waffles
There’s something glorious about stuffing one’s mouth with something hot, sticky and delicious. Close your eyes and experience Shangri La as the sweet and subtle flavors swirl around your taste buds like a Brazilian capoeira dancer. Each mouthful is a unique snowflake of flavor, texture and subtlety. Take your time down there. Enjoy the ride and be precise with your oral actions. Be careful not to rush through because then no one will get their culinary rocks off. That is the art of making waffles awesome rather than awful. Sure you could toast up a frozen Eggo and be done with it. But that’s like settling for watching porn when you have a porn star signaling you to bed. The extra effort is always worth it and will pay off in dividends when it’s time to consummate. So indulge yourself when the weekend rolls around. Take your time to surprise that slumbering sexpot who blew your mind and a few other things last night and twice this morning. They are worth it and so are you. A word of caution: waffles are sexy, but not when stuck to your bed sheets. Read the rest of this entry »
August 14, 2013
Holy mole, Batman! You got Cat Woman and Poison Ivy right where you want them: making out on your bed.
I hope you’re not too busy because your calendar is about to get busy. Learn to make this dish right and you won’t be lacking in dinner dates for a long time. Meet the enchanting Mexican mole. The chili/chocolate APHRODISIAC double play rides backseat to the powerful array of flavors rocking this dish. The Aztec, Italian, Spanish and Mexican cultures together inspired what became a literal melting pot of delicious cuisine. Chicken will never be the same after you bake it in what is in essence spicy chocolate sauce. Mole has warmed up my winter turning my street cred platinum. I have hotties I barely know inquiring via facebook when I’ll make them say “Holy mole!” Soon. Very soon. Read the rest of this entry »
February 23, 2010
Ain't no peewees with these kiwis.
Much props to New Zealanders for being so lovable. Here’s looking at you Bret and Jemaine! Those kiwis are a treat to be around, especially in their home turf. I visited Queenstown, NZ a while back and was taken a back by the natural beauty of the place. The mountains and lakes and rivers and shit were nice too. Kiwi girls got that organically cute look going on fun and are always up for it, whatever ìitî may be. A drunken lout I met at a Sydney party told me right before I flew to New Zealand, ìWhen you tap a kiwi on the shoulder her panties fall down.î Thanks for the tip, Aussie Aussie, oi oi! He was right. And not only that, Kiwi girls, at least the one I met in Queenstown, did me one better. She dragged me out of the bar, banged me like her forefathers banged their sheep, and then fed me after. Bang to Cook. What she served me was reminiscent of this little ditty. Fresh kiwis served as a decadent dessert hit the spot before I was dragged back to bed for round 2 through 14.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Port or dessert wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp brown sugar
2. 1 tsp garam masala*
3. 2 tbsp margarine
4. 8 kiwis
*Indian spice made of cumin, coriander, cardamom, peppercorn, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and saffron
Cut off the ends of the kiwi, slice down one side, and remove the peels. Cut the kiwis in half and you are ready to rumble.
On low heat, melt the margarine, add the brown sugar and garam masala, and stir into a syrup. Add the slices of kiwi and sauté in the syrup until the kiwis soften and the color starts to fade (approx 20 min). Serve solo or over ice cream or another desert that needs some extra boom-shaka-laka.