BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

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GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH

June 29, 2015

Childhood classic never tasted so innapropriately scrumptious

THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious

Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread?  The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal.  Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro.  Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine.  I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal.  Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date.  If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »


POONCAKES

May 29, 2015
Pancake poonany perfection

Pancake poonany perfection

So you’ve just wrapped up a sexual escapade that lasted all morning.  Your date is ravenous and is threatening mutiny if you don’t fill their gullets stat.  You can do nothing and risk never hearing from them again, which may be the right choice if it’s some skank or bozo.  But chances are you wouldn’t have allowed them to stay the night if they weren’t worth making a little effort to feed.  If all goes to plan, the afternoon can be a sequel to the morning’s kinky adventures between the sheets.  This recipe originated from a severe lack of ingredients.  I had only one egg, frozen blackberries and a very hungry girl in my bed.  So I improvised and made the morning carry on into the evening, flaking on set plans to have dinner with my mother.  Sorry, mom!  She forgave me and my date did not erase me from her phonebook.  One last thought, why settle for bisquik and water, when the from scratch method takes two extra seconds and yields randy results? Read the rest of this entry »


HUGE PRIK KING

May 7, 2014

What did one ball say to the other? "Who's the prik king in the middle?"

I know what they’ve been saying. All that negativity and name-calling! I can dismiss it as petty jealousy, a result of being this awesome. But even though you can interpret it as a compliment, it still hurts. You know? Packing heat is a blessing, but goddamn! Even the most gifted culinary Casanovas have feelings that get bruised when mean things are said. So what if someone calls me the Prik King? Clearly they are jealous of my royal status and largess of dowry. All the red curry and green beans in the world won’t change the fact that I am living the dream, while they can only dream. It’s a start. But why can’t we compromise? Perhaps the haters could learn from me instead and in turn use their new skills to create a better life. OR they can keep smack talking and in turn make me look even cooler and more dangerous to the opposite sex. Either way, I win. But there’s room for more winners on the podium. Read the rest of this entry »


POP THEIR CHERRY JUBILEE

July 29, 2009
Pop goes the cherry!

Pop goes the cherry!

Everyone’s cherry gets popped at some point, save for a few devout priests and nuns.  But I wager even these noble and holy rollers have indulged in some sort of debauch.  Chances are, these indulgences are of the oral nature.  Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about food, fool! Belgium monks once made the greatest beers and chocolate in the world.  You can still honor God with an edible orgasm so long as you don’t touch yourself inappropriately while you imbibe.  The rest of us sinners have carte blanche to sin carnally while eating pigishly.  I reckon it’s about that time to pop pop POP your cherry jubilantly. You will feel like you were touched for the very first time after your first bite.  By the second and third and last bite, you will be a filthy culinary nympho eager for more.  Next!

cherries jubilee prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cinnamon
2. Vanilla ice cream
3. 1 tsp vanilla extract
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 8-OZ juice (chef’s choice)
6. 1 tsp cornstarch
7. 1/8 butter stick
8. 2 fat handfuls of cherries

Step 1
Bring the juice in a saucepan to a slow simmer on medium heat.  Add the butter, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon.  Scoop out a little of the sauce, mix with the cornstarch, and add back to the sauce and reduce (approx 5 min).
cherries jubilee sauce
Step 2
Remove the stem and pits from the cherries and throw them into the sauce, cooking until they soften and congeal to the sauce (approx 3 min).  Scoop ice cream into bowls and crown with the jubilee, you jubilant bastard!
cherries jubilee cherries scoop

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OMFG PB&J!

December 29, 2008

You can always cut the crusts off

You can always cut the crusts off

Your childhood calls out to you for simplicity.  You want to make something for your date that is both easy to assemble, mighty tasty, and nostalgic.  Paging Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.  This is comfort food so classic that your date instantly will feel safe enough to let their guard down.  One bite and they will be transported to a delicious wonderland of sweet flavors and more innocent times.  What a perfect opportunity to pounce.  We’ve taken the classic, given it a little more texture with the creamy banana and crunchy toasted bread to set fireworks off in each of your mouths.  KA-BOOM!  You should be stylin’ and ready to rock.  Perhaps you can sing some childhood songs as you munch.  “B-I-N-G-Ooooohhhh yeah!”

Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a juicebox spiked with vodka

Ingredients (for two sinwiches):
pbj-prep1. 2 tablespoons of peanut butter
2. 2 tablespoons of jelly (my choice was blueberry preserves)
3. 1 banana
4. 4 slices of bread

Step 1
Spread peanut butter on two of the slices of bread. Spread jelly on the other two slices of bread.  Peel the banana, then slice it lengthwise, yielding four thin slices of banana.  Cut each slice in half and place on bread with peanut butter.
pbj-press-spread-banana
Step 2
Push each sandwich altogether.  Place in toaster oven and set to medium-dark and toast until the bread becomes golden brown (if you don’t have a toaster oven GET ONE, but in the mean time you can broil the sandwiches in the oven, keeping close eye on them and flipping once).  Slice the sandwiches in half and serve with a childish grin.
pbj-press-toastpbj-served-2

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SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY! (spaghetti bolognese)

December 8, 2008
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto.  Ave Maria, baby!
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto. Ave Maria, baby!

“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village.  Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes.  You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off.  They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy.  This is the power of great Italian food.  The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently?   You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar.  Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm.  There is really no point.  Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food.  This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night.  COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”

Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired

Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)

bolognaise-prepIngredients:
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Turn the stove on to medium heat.  Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent.  Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
bolognaise-veggies
Step 2
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey.  Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
bolognaise-meat
Step 3
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
bolognaise-pasta
Step 4
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly.  Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick.  If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken.  Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine.  Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
bolognaise-saucybolognaise-served-2

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