TOWER OF SWEET TATER TEMPTATION

April 13, 2016
The tower of power!

The tower of power!

Behold the fabled tower!  It is said to control our ids.  When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile.  With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash.  Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay.  Go for it! Embrace the unknown.  Give into your desires.”  Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you.  Don’t over-think it.  Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you.  They have your best interest at heart.  And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult.  Kool-Aid, anyone?

roast sweet mash prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min).  Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
roast sweet mash tater
Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan.  Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.

roast sweet mash mix

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


MAC & PLEASE ME

April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


REVERSE COWGIRL EGGS

March 7, 2016
Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Howdy, pardners!  You look hungry after wrestling all morning with them coyote uglies.  I reckon you could do with a little breakfast before you herd them little doggies into that there pen.  Pull yerself up round that campfire, eat my sexy version of cowboy eggs and I’ll tell some tall tales about them crazy cowgirls in Dodge City.  These girls will holler at the moon and love nothing more than to be ridden hard and put away wet.  I reckon y’all know what I mean so you best get on that Pony Express and get yerself a piece before Wild Bill and his men cock-block you.  This here recipe came about when I had my own cowgirl who wanted something quick before dragging me back up to the saloon bedroom for more of the same.  We done did hide out all morning, afternoon and night and that sheriff never got his mangy paws on me.  Thanks to her, I lived to tell this story and feed you my wake-me-up special.  Yee-haw!

Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: These are usually morning meal, so OJ or mimosas will do.

cowboy-eggs-prepIngredients (per dish):
1. 2 eggs
2. 2 thick slices of bread (recommend Texas Toast)
3. salt to taste
4. ½ an avocado
5. black pepper to taste
6. 1 teaspoon of butter

Step 1
Use a large bottle cap (like for juice) and put a hole into the middle of each slice of bread.  Melt the butter in a pan on medium heat and then throw in the bread.
cowboy-eggs-bread-hole
Step 2
Crack an egg into the center of each hole.  Sprinkle the desired amount of salt and pepper on each egg (approx 2 minutes).  Once the egg whites start to escape and harden from under the bread, flip them and cook the other side making sue the yolk is still soft in the middle (approx 1-2 minutes).  Serve it up on a plate with the side you cooked first up, its much prettier, and crown with avocado slices.  Serve with bacon or hot sauce if you like.
cowboy-eggs-cook

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


HOT DUMB BLONDIES

March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post.  I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL.  Just the majority I meet.  On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment.  To each his own.  Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day.  There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey.  What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap.  Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground.  Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

hot dumb blondies prepIngredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves

Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.

hot dumb blondies sift

Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs.  Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures.  Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.

hot dumb blondies mix

Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil.  Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min).  Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat.  Slice up the blondies, as you will.

hot dumb blondies bake

Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.

hot dumb blondies served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


FRENCHING YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN

February 29, 2016
frenching your english muffin served 2

French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you

Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up.  They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp.  This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales.  Ibiza…nuff said.  Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket.  So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat.  It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter.  But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do.  I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning.  My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast.  But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.

frenching your english muffin prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins

Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
frenching your english muffin batter
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter.  Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter.  Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over.  Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
frenching your english muffin pan
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup.  Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins.  Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min).  Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
frenching your english muffin syrup
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
frenching your english muffin served

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

Read the rest of this entry »


SANTA’S REVENGE FRENCH TOAST

December 24, 2015

"Where the ho ho ho's at?" - Santa Clause, December 25, 2009

Santa has been a dirty dog.  Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on.  He pretends to be a jolly fat man spreading toys and joys around. But that’s just a cover so he can bang every MILF he can get his sick sausage fingers on. Homeboy gets right into your house, chimney or no, throws some chintzy toys his worker elves made in the North Pole AKA a Chinese sweatshop, and is banging your momma underneath the Christmas tree your family so innocently decorated. And what does he leave behind as a calling card? Cookie crumbs and a half-drank glass of eggnog.  But now’s your chance to show the holly jolly sex-fiend who’s boss. Sure he banged your mom in your own house. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the leftover eggnog to make French toast on Christmas morning.  Think of it as a way for your family to bounce back and avoid becoming yet another home broken by Santa Clause. And if Santa just banged your girlfriend or wife instead, take heart that she was probably star-struck, like banging a Backstreet Boy in their hey day. Read the rest of this entry »