March 11, 2016
POOF! Hear that? It’s the sound of a bra disappearing. Straight into thin air. Never seen anything like it. There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham. But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF! Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich. The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts).
MAGIC 1 – SCIENCE 0
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March 2, 2016
There’s no shame in going second so long as it’s sloppy
No one likes to admit to having taken sloppy seconds, but we’ve all done it. We all slip up and go there whether it’s hitting it after your best friend, sibling or in my case boss. As long as you keep it under wraps and don’t allow this booty call to evolve into a five-year relationship then it’s no harm no foul. Just move on knowing you got your forbidden rocks off and got away with it. Well done, MacGuyver! Now you just need to figure out an exit using only dental floss and a used condom. Remember that your relationship with your homie is way more important than a piece of strange they already discarded anyway. But sloppy isn’t always bad. Sloppy can be damn good when stuffed into a bread roll and smothered with avocado. So embrace the tangy terrific taste of a Sloppy Seconds Joe without shame or fear of retribution.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, beer or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 can of cheap beer
2. ½ cup of ketchup
3. 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. ½ teaspoon of salt
6. ½ teaspoon of crushed garlic
7. 2 sandwich-sized French rolls
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 large dried CHILIES chopped thinly
10. 2 orange or red bell peppers chopped coarsely
11. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey meat
Warm the olive oil in the stockpot over medium heat. Add the crushed garlic and sauté momentarily before throwing in the bell peppers, turkey meat and salt. Cook and stir until the turkey meat browns (approx 5 minutes).
Add the chopped chilies and cook until the spice releases (approx 2 minutes). Pour in the beer, ketchup and Worcestershire sauce and cook until the liquids evaporate and thicken (approx 20 minutes). Turn off the heat and stir in the green onions.
Split each roll down the middle, leaving the base in tact. Pull each roll open and spoon in the sloppy Joe mixture, crowning it with avocado if you so desire. Serve it up sloppy, Joe.
January 18, 2016
Flirty, dirty and wordy. This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.
This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich. It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring. It can’t help flirting with everyone its path. This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits. That is the power of said sandwich. The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before. You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all. It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs. I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second. Amen! Read the rest of this entry »
December 4, 2015
Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.
While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first. Read the rest of this entry »
November 27, 2015
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties
The Thanksgiving is hangover on now. You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track. At least the turkey was good, right? Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone. Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming. If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest. The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots. Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid. Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »
October 16, 2015
If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.
Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade? Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough? Can you catch a fly with chopsticks? Then you are a kitchen ninja. Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious. You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs. Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest. There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests. It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food. Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud. Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari. Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »
September 14, 2015
So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes
If you make this dish, then you da mack! This dish takes the childhood classic and turns it on its head so it’s strutting its sexy stuff across your dinner table. Be ready with a line about how you came up with this recipe remenisce about giving your playground sweetheart a wildflower (I don’t mind you claiming this recipe as your own as long as it gets you laid; if you fails then I will haunt your dreams). Truth be told, I hated mac and cheese as a kid because the flavor and texture was bland as Kansas. Done right, mac and cheese will compliment any continental meal from fried chicken to pork chops and beyond. The bountiful bevy of cheeses and the spicy jalapeño become a techno dance party in your mouth. This boring classic has the much needed flare like that player at the bar getting girls attention with the pink feather boa, but not obnoxious. Remember, you make this side dish right and it will be by your side for many more mouth-water culinary conquests. Read the rest of this entry »
August 24, 2015
Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!
Make room! Make room! A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth. There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut. But don’t fear it. Taste it. Enjoy it. Love it. There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food. Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening. Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date. Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game? Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »
August 17, 2015
Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight
So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds. How gross and inconvenient! You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original. This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed. I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor. First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me. Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK. We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again. Ha! Read the rest of this entry »
June 29, 2015
THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious
Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread? The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal. Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro. Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine. I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal. Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date. If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »