LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK

March 28, 2016
zucchini sticks served

You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!

I’m not trying to be crass.  It’s just an open invitation for your tongue.  Do what you gotta, but the door is always open.  This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving.  I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke.  When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA

zucchini sticks prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
zucchini sticks chop
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper.  In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
zucchini sticks breading
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil.  Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading.  Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them.  Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
zucchini sticks dip bake
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.

zucchini sticks served 2

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REVERSE COWGIRL EGGS

March 7, 2016
Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Howdy, pardners!  You look hungry after wrestling all morning with them coyote uglies.  I reckon you could do with a little breakfast before you herd them little doggies into that there pen.  Pull yerself up round that campfire, eat my sexy version of cowboy eggs and I’ll tell some tall tales about them crazy cowgirls in Dodge City.  These girls will holler at the moon and love nothing more than to be ridden hard and put away wet.  I reckon y’all know what I mean so you best get on that Pony Express and get yerself a piece before Wild Bill and his men cock-block you.  This here recipe came about when I had my own cowgirl who wanted something quick before dragging me back up to the saloon bedroom for more of the same.  We done did hide out all morning, afternoon and night and that sheriff never got his mangy paws on me.  Thanks to her, I lived to tell this story and feed you my wake-me-up special.  Yee-haw!

Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: These are usually morning meal, so OJ or mimosas will do.

cowboy-eggs-prepIngredients (per dish):
1. 2 eggs
2. 2 thick slices of bread (recommend Texas Toast)
3. salt to taste
4. ½ an avocado
5. black pepper to taste
6. 1 teaspoon of butter

Step 1
Use a large bottle cap (like for juice) and put a hole into the middle of each slice of bread.  Melt the butter in a pan on medium heat and then throw in the bread.
cowboy-eggs-bread-hole
Step 2
Crack an egg into the center of each hole.  Sprinkle the desired amount of salt and pepper on each egg (approx 2 minutes).  Once the egg whites start to escape and harden from under the bread, flip them and cook the other side making sue the yolk is still soft in the middle (approx 1-2 minutes).  Serve it up on a plate with the side you cooked first up, its much prettier, and crown with avocado slices.  Serve with bacon or hot sauce if you like.
cowboy-eggs-cook

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HOT DUMB BLONDIES

March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post.  I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL.  Just the majority I meet.  On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment.  To each his own.  Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day.  There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey.  What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap.  Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground.  Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

hot dumb blondies prepIngredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves

Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.

hot dumb blondies sift

Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs.  Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures.  Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.

hot dumb blondies mix

Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil.  Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min).  Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat.  Slice up the blondies, as you will.

hot dumb blondies bake

Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.

hot dumb blondies served 2

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FRENCHING YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN

February 29, 2016
frenching your english muffin served 2

French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you

Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up.  They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp.  This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales.  Ibiza…nuff said.  Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket.  So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat.  It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter.  But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do.  I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning.  My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast.  But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.

frenching your english muffin prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins

Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
frenching your english muffin batter
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter.  Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter.  Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over.  Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
frenching your english muffin pan
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup.  Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins.  Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min).  Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
frenching your english muffin syrup
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
frenching your english muffin served

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NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST

February 26, 2016
Epic fail?  Hardly!

Epic fail? Hardly!

There are few sure things in this world.  You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance.  But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back.  Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety.  One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish.  You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour.  If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie.  You might want to get that checked out.

boiled kale breakfast prepTotal time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale

Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely.  Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
boiled kale breakfast chop boil
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
boiled kale breakfast toast poach
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread.  Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado.  Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
boiled kale breakfast assemble
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.

boiled kale breakfast served 2

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NAUGHTY EGGNOG

December 23, 2015

This Naughty Nog, ba-rumpa-pum-pum

So it’s Christmas time.  You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang.  It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression.  Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that.  If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ.  Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry.  Not merry yet?  Have another glass of this naughty nog.  After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this).  My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college.  She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns.  This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim.  By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.”  The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING: HUMPIN’ & PUMPKIN PIE

November 25, 2015

I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!

Bangsgiving is upon us!  It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence.  While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families.  These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes.  There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting.  That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07.  Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG

Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C.  Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.

Step 2
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree.  Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.

Step 3
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top.  Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.

Step 4
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top.  Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).

Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo.  You’re that good!

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