March 28, 2016
You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving. I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke. When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil. Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading. Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them. Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.
2 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, spicy, sports, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, baked zucchini sticks, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, breadcrumbs, calivirgin, cayenne pepper, Christmas, cool kids, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, facebook, finger food, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hanukah, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick, lick my zucchini stick recipe, Monday night football, naked, olive oil, poke, ranch dressing, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, squash, tailgating, tasty, tongue, yummy, zucchini, zucchini sticks recipe | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 7, 2016
Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!
Howdy, pardners! You look hungry after wrestling all morning with them coyote uglies. I reckon you could do with a little breakfast before you herd them little doggies into that there pen. Pull yerself up round that campfire, eat my sexy version of cowboy eggs and I’ll tell some tall tales about them crazy cowgirls in Dodge City. These girls will holler at the moon and love nothing more than to be ridden hard and put away wet. I reckon y’all know what I mean so you best get on that Pony Express and get yerself a piece before Wild Bill and his men cock-block you. This here recipe came about when I had my own cowgirl who wanted something quick before dragging me back up to the saloon bedroom for more of the same. We done did hide out all morning, afternoon and night and that sheriff never got his mangy paws on me. Thanks to her, I lived to tell this story and feed you my wake-me-up special. Yee-haw!
Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: These are usually morning meal, so OJ or mimosas will do.
Ingredients (per dish):
1. 2 eggs
2. 2 thick slices of bread (recommend Texas Toast)
3. salt to taste
4. ½ an avocado
5. black pepper to taste
6. 1 teaspoon of butter
Step 1
Use a large bottle cap (like for juice) and put a hole into the middle of each slice of bread. Melt the butter in a pan on medium heat and then throw in the bread.
Step 2
Crack an egg into the center of each hole. Sprinkle the desired amount of salt and pepper on each egg (approx 2 minutes). Once the egg whites start to escape and harden from under the bread, flip them and cook the other side making sue the yolk is still soft in the middle (approx 1-2 minutes). Serve it up on a plate with the side you cooked first up, its much prettier, and crown with avocado slices. Serve with bacon or hot sauce if you like.
Leave a Comment » | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: American, avocado, bang, bread, breakfast, butter, camping, Country, Cowboy eggs, delicious, easy, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hole, hole in bread, intercourse, kitchen, morning, naked, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, tasty, toast, Western | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.
My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post. I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL. Just the majority I meet. On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment. To each his own. Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day. There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey. What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap. Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground. Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
Ingredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs. Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures. Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.
Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil. Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min). Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat. Slice up the blondies, as you will.
Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, baking powder, bang, banging, blondie recipe, brown sugar, brownie, butter, crushed walnuts, delicious, DIY, drug dealer, easy, eggs, fair-headed, fix, flour, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, golden-haired, gourmet, guarantee, hair follicle, homemade, honey, hot dumb blondies, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mint, Mohawk, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, vanilla extract, vixens, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 29, 2016
French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you
Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales. Ibiza…nuff said. Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket. So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat. It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter. But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do. I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning. My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast. But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins
Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter. Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter. Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over. Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup. Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins. Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min). Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
Leave a Comment » | french, fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: ancestors, banana, bang, banging, breakfast, british, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, England, English muffin, food, France, french, French toast English muffin recipe, frenching your English muffin recipe, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, improvise, intercourse, kitchen, Laissez-faire, libido, maple syrup, milk, morning, naked, proclamation, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, straight-laced, sweet, tasty, UK, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 26, 2016
Epic fail? Hardly!
There are few sure things in this world. You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance. But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back. Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety. One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish. You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour. If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie. You might want to get that checked out.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale
Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely. Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread. Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado. Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black pepper, boil, boiled kale breakfast recipe, bread, breakfast, carbs, dawn, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, guaranteed, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kale, kitchen, libido, morning, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, never fail boiled kale breakfast recipe, poach, protein, prude, recipe, roughage, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sure thing, tasty, toast, yummy, zombie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 23, 2015
So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang. It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression. Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that. If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ. Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry. Not merry yet? Have another glass of this naughty nog. After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this). My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college. She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns. This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim. By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.” The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, winter | Tagged: Alcoholic eggnog, bang, banging, beverage, brandy, Christmas, cold, cream, creamy, decadent, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, eggnog recipe, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holidays, homemade, homemade eggnog, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, recipe, romance, rum, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soothing, tasty, wet, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 25, 2015
I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!
Bangsgiving is upon us! It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence. While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families. These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes. There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting. That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07. Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG
Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C. Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.
Step 2
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree. Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.
Step 3
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top. Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.
Step 4
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top. Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).
Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo. You’re that good!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, holidays, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, THANKSGIVING, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac pumpkin pie, bake, bang, banging, bangsgiving, brown sugar, cinnamon stick, condensed milk, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, eggs, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, gourmet pumkin pie recipe, ground nutmeg, guarantee, homemade, homemade pumpkin pie, honey, humpin’ and pumkin pie recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, merry mistakes, naked, orphan thanksgivings. homesick, pie crust, pie pumkin, pine nuts, pumpkin pie recipe, recipe, salt, savvy, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sue-ellen, sweet, tasty, THANKSGIVING, unsalted butter, vanilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 16, 2015
KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.
KA-BOOM! Don’t worry your pretty little head. It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs. This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper. Overkill? Perhaps. But the job gets done and you get off. This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow. Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked. Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you. KA-BLOOEY! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac booty bomb scramble, aphrodisiac scramble recipe, asparagus, avocado, bang, banging, black beans, black pepper, bomb, calivirgin, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, explosion, food, game changer, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, green chili, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, iran, ka-boom, kitchen, libido, naked, napalm, north korea, olive oil, overkill, recipe, salt, sauté, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sniper, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 22, 2015
Foux da fafa all the way to the bedroom!
You gotta hand it to the French. No one pulls off being a bunch of fancy bitches quite like them. You’ll look like a goddamn pansy if you try to replicate without the accent. But for some reason they can act ass all sissy la la and it’s totally acceptable. So when it comes to cooking French-style cuisine, I always speak in a ridiculous accent, wear a beret, and engage in all things French: French fries, French kisses, French ticklers. Ca va? Tres bonne. Ca va et toi? Breakfast will never be the same once Frenchy McFrenchface comes to play. Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | dairy, french, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: accent, bacon, bang, banging, beret, breakfast, brie cheese, ca va, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fancy bitches, food, France, french, French kisses, French style eggs, French ticklers, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, ooh le le breakfast, pansy, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 22, 2015
Lox me up, because otherwide, I'd break these chains and ravage anything in my sight.
With Valentines Day creeping in like a ninja assassin, you better be ready with you’re A-game if you are seeing someone you like. It’s make or break time that will define where this relationship of yours will progress towards. If you don’t like them all that much, might I suggest a vacation far far away. You don’t want to be anywhere near town with a clinger you’re about to retire. But those of you lucky enough to have that one person you would gladly Cook To Bang every night, you need to start Valentine’s Day off right. There are few better approaches than breakfast in bed. Cliche it may be, but effective at not only dropping panties, but also keeping them off for long gaps of time it is. This fancy scramble from the future us perfect for sending the message that, ìNot only do I enjoy banging you, but also listening to you talk while we eat breakfast together.î If that is not true love, I weep for the future. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Austrian, bang, banging, benefits, black pepper, bodyguard, bok choy, breakfast, chloroform, clinger, coincidental, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lox, morning, motorcade, naked, ninja assassin, olive oil, physiological, recipe, red onion, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sex to me, smoked salmon, sophistication, steam, steamed, sweet, tasty, UN, valentines day, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 