February 14, 2016
Taste the love!
The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.
But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.
All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:
“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES
“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
LET’S BANG S’MORE
“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES
“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS
“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES
“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE
“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: ahi, aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus soup, Balsamic strawberry recipe, Bananas Foster, bang, best friend, bisque, bootie call, brownie, cambodian, cantaloupe, chocolate, cod, cookies, delicious, dessert, dinner, drinks, easy, fish, friends with benefits, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, Lemon bar recipe, Miso cod recipe, naked, obama, Peanut butter chocolate cookies, pizza, Portobello mushroom, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, Shrimp mango bisque, simple, sister, smores, soup, Spaghetti bolognaise, spaghetti bolognese, spring rolls, Steamed artichoke recipe, supper, sushi, Sushi sandwich recipe, tasty, threesome, tomatillos, tuna, valentines day, wrapped cantaloupe recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 26, 2015
Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | holidays, SEDUCTION, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: appetizers, bang, banging, bangsgiving, delicious, dessert, DIY, drinks, easy, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holiday thanksgiving, holidays, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, little orphan annie, naked, orphans, recipe, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dishes, sides, soup, starters, tasty, unsalted vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 19, 2014
You won’t need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride
Olga came in a box, bubble-wrapped like a porcelain doll, holes punched into it so she could breathe. The shady website I bought her off of had to be translated by my sketchy coworker Sergei. I was $60 lighter, but now I had someone living in my house who did everything I pleased. And we’re not just talking washing dishes after one of my cooking frenzies! What made it all worth it, besides the commie sex of course, was that she had a white Russian prepared for me as soon as I came home from work. To this day, I have never found anyone who could make the drink half as well as my little Olga. What happened to her you ask? Turns out it was all a scam so she could steal my identity and my collection of baseball cards. I don’t even think Olga was her real name. Those rascally Russians! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | libation lubrication, RECIPES, russian | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, baseball cards, beverage, booze, commie, delicious, direct, DIY, drinks, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice, identity theft, intercourse, Kahlua, kitchen, libation lubrication, libido, mail order bride, milk, naked, Olga, online, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, Sergie, sex, soviet, tasty, vodka, White Russian recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 2, 2011
photo: Noah Abrams
Wine is without a doubt the sexiest of all drinks. It ages better than most humans and is good for your heart. The variety of flavors, aromas and textures titillate your senses in oh so many special ways. With wine comes wisdom. It never hurts to talk a good wine game. You can’t deny that the aroma can be tantalizing and the taste seductive. Don’t be surprised if you get the yearning to fuck the glass. Read the rest of this entry »
5 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, healthy, italian | Tagged: alcohol, beverage, blanc, cabernet, champagne, chardonnay, drinks, food, french, german, italien, merlot, noir, pairing, pinot, riesling, sauvignon, SEDUCTION, veritas, vino, wine | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 9, 2008
Cook to Bang is a proven science fact first discovered by Albert Einstein and the scientists from the Manhattan Project and finely tuned here. But it begs the question of what to do while you COOK in order to BANG. Tis a valid question. Cooking for a date should be like foreplay; the mental connection should evolve naturally into a physical one. It takes some delicate orchestrating to allow the chips to fall “naturally” into seduction. Your overall goal is clear, but play it off as if banging is the last thing on your mind. It’s best to appear as nonchalant and keep things fun and playful. Avoid contrived hookups because they usually end with an awkward kiss and an excuse about waking up early in the morning for a lobotomy. The best laid plans ring hollow and will be construed as purely manipulative. Rightly so. Let the night unfold naturally, but keep a few things in mind during your kinky conquests:
1. EYE CONTACT
Never underestimate the importance of looking someone in the eye while you talk. This keeps them engaged with you, plus makes you seem confident and secure in your cooking and prowess. Note to straight guys: avoid the temptation to ogle their cleavage. There will be plenty of time for that later.
A smile on your face will let your date know that you are genuinely enjoying their company. It reveals what a fun loving person you are and disarms any sense of discomfort. A smile is also infectious so even the crabbiest date will soon be grinning ear to ear, which is a good indicator of things to come.
3. PHYSICAL CONTACT
Be sure to engage in physical contact throughout the cooking and eating process, the subtler the better. A high five, stroke of their hair, or lower back caress early on breaks down the physical boundaries you can obliterate later on in the evening. You will have a good sense of where the night is going based purely on how you are greeted. A hug/kiss on the cheek is a good sign; a handshake or no contact at all likely means you’re probably spooning your pillow…if you’re lucky.
Clearly you’ll be quite busy creating an outstanding meal for your date. Now’s your chance to reveal just how interested you are in their life by asking pointed questions and listening intently. Much like a court of law, the less you say to incriminate yourself, the better your chance of success. This works in reverse too because you will have ammo about silly quirks or embarrassing stories from their past you can use to playfully tease them about.
Most of these suggestions fall under the category of flirting. But it is important to know where to draw the distinction between flirtation and sleazy cum ons. The ultimate goal is to create back and forth banter that will draw you two ever closer towards the inevitable kiss and beyond. Keep the conversation light and full of sexual innuendo, but avoid being pervy. There will be plenty of time to reveal what a scoundrel you are when the time is right.
6. BE FUNNY
You would be a fool to underestimate how much chemistry lies in humor. There’s a reason why pint-sized menches like Woody Allen and David Spade can attract the hottest women on the planet. Make them laugh and you can make the gasp. Be sure to tell jokes, stories, and anecdotes. Bonus points if they relate to cooking and food.
7. KEEP DRINKS FLOWING
Be a good host always. Don’t misconstrue this to mean get your date wasted so you can take advantage. But a little libation lubrication never hurt nobody. Be ever mindful of their comfort level, which means keeping their glass full, their mind entertained, and their interest piqued. Another glass of Merlot?
8. DANCE WHILE COOKING
There is a direct parallel between dancing and banging. Your bodies moving in sync to the music, your eyes locked, a passionate embrace all lead to a happy ending. So let inspiration take you over while the pasta boils and spontaneously spin your date around the kitchen. If the mechanics are right you can sneak in a kiss before dinner that will bubble up over the meal and explode come dessert.
9. FEED YOUR DATE
Keep your date engaged in the culinary process. A key way to make this happen is to feed them as the food gets near completion. Let them lick the spoon of the cooking dough, try a bite of the pasta sauce, or sample a raspberry you will serve with dessert. Get their suggestions and suddenly they are emotionally invested in the meal. Remember to feed them from your spoon or better yet, out of your hand.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: bang, cook, cook to bang, dance, date, delicious, drinks, easy, eye contact, feed, flirt, funny, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, keep busy, kinky, kitchen, laugh, listen, naked, physical contact, player, pour, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, smile, success, Techniques, to do, wine | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang