For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.
BANGNANA POONCAKESJanuary 15, 2016
SANTA’S REVENGE FRENCH TOASTDecember 24, 2015
Santa has been a dirty dog. Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on. He pretends to be a jolly fat man spreading toys and joys around. But that’s just a cover so he can bang every MILF he can get his sick sausage fingers on. Homeboy gets right into your house, chimney or no, throws some chintzy toys his worker elves made in the North Pole AKA a Chinese sweatshop, and is banging your momma underneath the Christmas tree your family so innocently decorated. And what does he leave behind as a calling card? Cookie crumbs and a half-drank glass of eggnog. But now’s your chance to show the holly jolly sex-fiend who’s boss. Sure he banged your mom in your own house. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the leftover eggnog to make French toast on Christmas morning. Think of it as a way for your family to bounce back and avoid becoming yet another home broken by Santa Clause. And if Santa just banged your girlfriend or wife instead, take heart that she was probably star-struck, like banging a Backstreet Boy in their hey day. Read the rest of this entry »
RUB MY BUTTERCUPSFebruary 19, 2010
Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.
Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C. Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder. Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract. Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter. Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter. Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla. Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar. Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.