MAC & PLEASE ME

April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

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HOT DUMB BLONDIES

March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post.  I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL.  Just the majority I meet.  On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment.  To each his own.  Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day.  There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey.  What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap.  Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground.  Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

hot dumb blondies prepIngredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves

Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.

hot dumb blondies sift

Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs.  Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures.  Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.

hot dumb blondies mix

Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil.  Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min).  Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat.  Slice up the blondies, as you will.

hot dumb blondies bake

Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.

hot dumb blondies served 2

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ARTICHOKE HEARTBREAKERS

January 27, 2016
You're a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

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BEER–GOGGLES FISH TACOS

November 13, 2015

Eat until they’re cute!

Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab.  Granted, that was long before the Cook To Bang method was a twinkle in my eye.  But too much booze to the brain makes what would have been as appealing as banging a beached whale rotting in the sun while sober seem like a swell idea when tanked.  We all make mistakes; I just prefer my mistakes not shop at the Big and Tall. That said, sometimes when you’re in a rut, you just need to bang something.  Anything. You need to rebuild your confidence the way a sports franchise has a “rebuilding season”.  Beer-goggles are terrific to put your head back into the game as long as it’s far from the eyes of your friends who will no doubt mock you for your homely transgression.  When the dirty deed had been done and did, you can fight the hangover and shame with some soul-inspiring beer-battered fish tacos.  Or you could just make them for that hottie you’re sweet on.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Enough beer to make your dog look like an extra in Gossip Girl

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup vegetable oil
2. 1 cup flour
3. 1 cup cheap beer
4. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
5. ¼ shredded coconut
6. ½ lb of FISH: red snapper, tilapia or rock fish cut in 3 inch slivers
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA
9. 2 handfuls shredded cabbage
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
11. 4 small corn tortillas

Step 1
Create the beer batter by mixing the flour, beer and shredded coconut thoroughly.

Step 2
Heat up the oil in a pot that is deep and narrow. Dip a sliver of fish into the batter and immediately toss in the oil.  Deep fry each piece until golden brown and transfer to a plate covered in paper towels to soak up the grease.  Season the fried fish with cayenne pepper.

Step 3
Assemble the fish tacos by first placing the fish in the middle of the tortilla and then stuffing it with cabbage, tomato, avocado and mango salsa.

Serve these up with a side of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE if the deep-fried fish doesn’t have enough calories.

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POONCAKES

May 29, 2015
Pancake poonany perfection

Pancake poonany perfection

So you’ve just wrapped up a sexual escapade that lasted all morning.  Your date is ravenous and is threatening mutiny if you don’t fill their gullets stat.  You can do nothing and risk never hearing from them again, which may be the right choice if it’s some skank or bozo.  But chances are you wouldn’t have allowed them to stay the night if they weren’t worth making a little effort to feed.  If all goes to plan, the afternoon can be a sequel to the morning’s kinky adventures between the sheets.  This recipe originated from a severe lack of ingredients.  I had only one egg, frozen blackberries and a very hungry girl in my bed.  So I improvised and made the morning carry on into the evening, flaking on set plans to have dinner with my mother.  Sorry, mom!  She forgave me and my date did not erase me from her phonebook.  One last thought, why settle for bisquik and water, when the from scratch method takes two extra seconds and yields randy results? Read the rest of this entry »


LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

May 27, 2015
These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them.  Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries.  But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar.  Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land.  Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart.  Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will.  Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance.  Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow.  This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting.  Game, set and match! Read the rest of this entry »