HOT DUMB BLONDIES

March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post.  I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL.  Just the majority I meet.  On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment.  To each his own.  Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day.  There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey.  What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap.  Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground.  Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

hot dumb blondies prepIngredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves

Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.

hot dumb blondies sift

Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs.  Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures.  Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.

hot dumb blondies mix

Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil.  Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min).  Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat.  Slice up the blondies, as you will.

hot dumb blondies bake

Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.

hot dumb blondies served 2

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BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

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RICE PUDDING POONTANG

January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.

Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.

Rice pudding is comfort food.  Comfort = connection.  Connection= banging.  You can’t argue with sound logic.  Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule.  But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude.  She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer.  Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back.  I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door.  But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge.  The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed.  She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after.  Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »


GRAB ASS GRAPEFRUIT SALAD

December 9, 2015
Grab ass graciously.

Grab ass graciously.

How about a little game of grab ass?  With an ass that fine I imagine you’ll be doing a shit ton of grabbing.  But how do you grab a handful of cheek without coming off like a perv?  First off, you shouldn’t care if they assume you’re perv.  The Cook To Bang readership is all pervs and I love you all for your debauchery.  But in the effort to maintain a non-creepy mystique, here’s my suggestion: serve this salad.  Then blame the grapefruit.  All that vitamin C is going straight to your head and making you perform irrationally. Taking a firm hold of their bum is the only natural reaction one could expect with all those healthy ingredients.  Chances are that your date will be just as randy since they too indulged.  So go with it and grab ass! Read the rest of this entry »


THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING: HUMPIN’ & PUMPKIN PIE

November 25, 2015

I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!

Bangsgiving is upon us!  It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence.  While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families.  These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes.  There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting.  That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07.  Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG

Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C.  Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.

Step 2
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree.  Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.

Step 3
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top.  Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.

Step 4
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top.  Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).

Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo.  You’re that good!

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BANGSGIVING: RANDY CANDIED CARROTS

November 23, 2015

Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.

Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump.  Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again.  The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough.  It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms.  Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).

Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min).  Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).

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