March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.
My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post. I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL. Just the majority I meet. On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment. To each his own. Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day. There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey. What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap. Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground. Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
Ingredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs. Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures. Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.
Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil. Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min). Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat. Slice up the blondies, as you will.
Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.
4 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, baking powder, bang, banging, blondie recipe, brown sugar, brownie, butter, crushed walnuts, delicious, DIY, drug dealer, easy, eggs, fair-headed, fix, flour, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, golden-haired, gourmet, guarantee, hair follicle, homemade, honey, hot dumb blondies, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mint, Mohawk, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, vanilla extract, vixens, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 29, 2016
French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you
Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales. Ibiza…nuff said. Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket. So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat. It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter. But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do. I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning. My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast. But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins
Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter. Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter. Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over. Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup. Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins. Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min). Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
Leave a Comment » | french, fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: ancestors, banana, bang, banging, breakfast, british, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, England, English muffin, food, France, french, French toast English muffin recipe, frenching your English muffin recipe, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, improvise, intercourse, kitchen, Laissez-faire, libido, maple syrup, milk, morning, naked, proclamation, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, straight-laced, sweet, tasty, UK, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, mexican, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, brown sugar, cinnamon, cold fish, comfort food, dairy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, frigid, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, nutmeg, poon, prude, raisins, recipe, rice, rice pudding poontang, rice pudding recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 13, 2013
Sugar mamas are also welcomed to slang cookies a la Cook To Bang
Calling all dudes! Here’s your chance to be a sugar daddy without tapping out your bank account. There’s no need to drop mortgage payments at clubs on bottle service, 10-course French dinners, or the shoe store. Instead steal their hearts and undergarments with your creativity and resourcefulness. Isn’t that why we Cook To Bang? I’m a sugar daddy that slangs sweet treats. Pass these out to one or all twelve of your sweetums. Each will be touched by your thoughtfulness and darling gesture. Who’s your daddy now, ladies? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baking powder, baking soda, bang, banging, bottle service, butter, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egg, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gift, gourmet, grease, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, resourcefulness, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slanging, strawberries, sugar cookie recipe, sugar daddy, sugar daddy cookies, sweets, tasty, thoughtfulness, vanilla extract, vegetable oil, white sugar, who’s your daddy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 24, 2012
Polenta it all off, the skivvies too.
Making those pesky clothes vanish is easier than you’d think. Despite the popular folklore that you first must pass a series of relationship tests in order to get there, au contraire. The scientists working around the clock in shifts down in the Cook To Bang lab have discovered a way to leapfrog that major time suck. Polenta draws people sharing it for reasons I could only explain via a Glenn Beck crazy chart. It has the effect even with polar opposites like a hipster honky in pants tighter than the sororitease he’s banging’s black fuck-me pants. Don’t question the science. It just works, like gravity. Or condoms*. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, hippie, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baking powder, baking soda, bang, banging, bottle service, butter, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egg, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gift, gourmet, grease, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, resourcefulness, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slanging, strawberries, sugar cookie recipe, sugar daddy, sugar daddy cookies, sweets, tasty, thoughtfulness, vanilla extract, vegetable oil, white sugar, who’s your daddy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 19, 2010
Rub a dub dub, let's bang after this grub
Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.
Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C. Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder. Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract. Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter. Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.
Step 2
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).
Step 3
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter. Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla. Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar. Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.
Step 4
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked goods, baking powder, bang, banging, batter, brown sugar, butter, cocoa, culinary Casanovas, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, eggs, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, hybrid, intercourse, jihadist, kgb, kitchen, libido, naked, peanut butter, peanut butter cup recipe, recipe, rub my butt, rub my butt-ercups, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, semi-sweet chocolate chips, sex, sex appeal, tasty, unchecked power, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 29, 2009
Pop goes the cherry!
Everyone’s cherry gets popped at some point, save for a few devout priests and nuns. But I wager even these noble and holy rollers have indulged in some sort of debauch. Chances are, these indulgences are of the oral nature. Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about food, fool! Belgium monks once made the greatest beers and chocolate in the world. You can still honor God with an edible orgasm so long as you don’t touch yourself inappropriately while you imbibe. The rest of us sinners have carte blanche to sin carnally while eating pigishly. I reckon it’s about that time to pop pop POP your cherry jubilantly. You will feel like you were touched for the very first time after your first bite. By the second and third and last bite, you will be a filthy culinary nympho eager for more. Next!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cinnamon
2. Vanilla ice cream
3. 1 tsp vanilla extract
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 8-OZ juice (chef’s choice)
6. 1 tsp cornstarch
7. 1/8 butter stick
8. 2 fat handfuls of cherries
Step 1
Bring the juice in a saucepan to a slow simmer on medium heat. Add the butter, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon. Scoop out a little of the sauce, mix with the cornstarch, and add back to the sauce and reduce (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Remove the stem and pits from the cherries and throw them into the sauce, cooking until they soften and congeal to the sauce (approx 3 min). Scoop ice cream into bowls and crown with the jubilee, you jubilant bastard!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, beer, Belgium, brown sugar, butter, Cajun, cherries, cherries jubilee recipe, chocolate, cinnamon, classic, closer, cornstarch, debauch, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, edible orgasm, food, fruit, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, guarantee, holy rollers, homemade, ice cream, intercourse, juice, kitchen, libido, monk, naked, New Orleans, nun, pop your cherry, priest, recipe, sauce, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients:
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 