TOWER OF SWEET TATER TEMPTATION

April 13, 2016
The tower of power!

The tower of power!

Behold the fabled tower!  It is said to control our ids.  When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile.  With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash.  Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay.  Go for it! Embrace the unknown.  Give into your desires.”  Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you.  Don’t over-think it.  Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you.  They have your best interest at heart.  And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult.  Kool-Aid, anyone?

roast sweet mash prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min).  Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
roast sweet mash tater
Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan.  Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.

roast sweet mash mix

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BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACH

November 24, 2015

I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!

I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one.  Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish.  Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach.  Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy.  The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving.  If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place.  This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor.  Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach

Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes.  Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.

Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).

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WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?

September 14, 2015
So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

If you make this dish, then you da mack!  This dish takes the childhood classic and turns it on its head so it’s strutting its sexy stuff across your dinner table.  Be ready with a line about how you came up with this recipe remenisce about giving your playground sweetheart a wildflower (I don’t mind you claiming this recipe as your own as long as it gets you laid; if you fails then I will haunt your dreams).  Truth be told, I hated mac and cheese as a kid because the flavor and texture was bland as Kansas. Done right, mac and cheese will compliment any continental meal from fried chicken to pork chops and beyond.  The bountiful bevy of cheeses and the spicy jalapeño become a techno dance party in your mouth.  This boring classic has the much needed flare like that player at the bar getting girls attention with the pink feather boa, but not obnoxious.   Remember,  you make this side dish right and it will be by your side for many more mouth-water culinary conquests. Read the rest of this entry »


BANG YO ROASTED MANGO

July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

You’ve done good tonight.  A for effort!  All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move.  But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert.  It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish.  You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too.  Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.

Ingredients:
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.

Step 2
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.

Step 3
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.

Step 4
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date.  Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!

Variations:
•    This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!


GRILLED SEXTARINES

June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »


CAPABLE MAPLE SQUASH

January 5, 2015

You are capable of anything and everything. I believe in you!

Achieving goals comes down realizing you are capable of anything with enough effort, planning and luck.  That is especially true when it comes to banging.  Too many suckers assume they are incapable of pulling some prime tail because they’re not rich or handsome or funny.  Those are all excuses that make you part of the beta majority.  Be bold!  I approach everything from my career to my food to my women with bravado and swagger.  Fuck the critics (I have many) who say it’s better to give up and accept the 2nd place fruit basket!  Take this recipe.  I felt like I hit my culinary creativity wall the other night.  A new girl was en route to my house and I hadn’t figured out yet how to knock her socks (and panties) off with my grub.  I’m not about to let me rep as Mr. Cook To Bang suffer so I went big. I grabbed random ingredients to create what my instincts were telling me would be outstanding.  It was the right call.  My date had never eaten anything like it.  The spicy, sweet combination got her sweating long before I closed the deal.  She was incapable of saying no. Read the rest of this entry »


STUFFING POLENTY OF PEPPERS

September 15, 2014
Get hungry, then get stuffed!

Get hungry, then get stuffed!

Sometimes you just need to do some stuffing.  You have those sexy bits laying around waiting for some action satisfaction.  Who are you not to play those kinky reindeer games?  Get with the program and get stuffed.  The fun part is taking the random goodies and seeing what will fit.  It’s a lot like object porn where they stuff foreign objects into small openings.  Shocking?  Yes.  Intriguing?  Sure.  Delicious?  Most definitely!  The stuffing I created for this dish was from goodies lying around my fridge eager for their day in sun…found in my oven.   This is your chance to blow a few minds and other parts of the body with your stunning creativity.  So polenta some panties off and start stuffing! Read the rest of this entry »