January 25, 2016
Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!
I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »
August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!
This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix. Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind? Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness. This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more. Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad. You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue. It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought. You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant. Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room. Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »
November 19, 2014
Do I wanna? You damn skippy!
Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process. Read the rest of this entry »
January 9, 2014
Dig on down to the underground. There are treasures to be found.
All kinds of exciting things happen below the ground. Ever hear of a gopher gala? What about a mole massive? Groundhog grind? Do you know what fuels all these critters crazy times? Root vegetables! Potatoes, beets, radishes, and oh so many more. Bully to the fancy pants food that grows above ground. No self-respecting tunnel-digging creature would ever admit to preferring a tomato to a carrot. So in honor of the subterranean happenings that I had the pleasure of attending, I whipped up an uber-healthy salad using only goods from down below. I had all the underground creatures sitting around my table like a Mad Hatter style tea party. It was messy, but oh so delicious. And then the queen of the mole people invited me into her boudoir for a private show you would never see on the Disney Channel. We were to be betrothed, but I escaped through a tunnel that led me back to my bed where I woke up confused and a little hungry.
Read the rest of this entry »
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
September 26, 2011
Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.
All that time in the sun will do one of two things: in youth, it makes you look hotter and more desirable; but as the years wear on, all that sunlight can reduce your body to a leather handbag. I have witnessed many sun-worshipping hotties wither away in a matter of years. What a waste of a perfectly hard body. Anyway…this digression was brought to you by Coppertone suntan lotion. The point to all this warbling is that drying yourself out in the sun is not sexy, but doing the same to a tomato makes my engines revs. See I’m totally gay for tomatoes as is. But when you concentrate the lycopene-laced flavor and it becomes like Spanish Fly. Sex appeal oozes at your pores the moment you throw the sun-dried love into the mix. This simple pasta dish went from a subdued “Yay…” to a scream-from-the-highest-rooftop “How you like me now?!” Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors. Read the rest of this entry »
March 25, 2010
Broc is a lock 'cuz the ladies do flock
When your pad starts to seem like a whorehouse with all the coming and going and more coming, it’s best to treat your body right. At least once in a while anyway. I’m all for the rock ‘n roll indulgences with fatty foods, barrels of booze, and flocks of freaks. But the monk that resides deep within my soul occasionally takes control and screams “Enough, ya heathen!” So I indulge him by taking a night off from the excitement and excess. And then, like Charlie Sheen at Bolivian whorehouse, I’m back to my usual tomfoolery harder and heavier than ever. Now go on and do yourself right before you do someone else right.
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 bunch broccoli
2. 2 tbsp oyster sauce
Chop off the bottom of the broccoli stalks so the trees separate. Throw them in boiling water and cook through so they are bright green (approx 3 min). Remove from the broccoli water and toss with oyster sauce. Serve up this mighty fine, healthy side dish with a meaty ENTREE.
November 9, 2009
Squash all resistance to your charms!
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
January 5, 2009
- Sesame equals sex-to-me
So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing? Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe. Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido. You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are. Duh! This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty. Did I mention it was tasty too? The Chinese know what they were doing. My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong. I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors. The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am. Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes). Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce. Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk. Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
Set the oven to a high broil. Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack. Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks. (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds. Presentation is important.