So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang. It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression. Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that. If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ. Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry. Not merry yet? Have another glass of this naughty nog. After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this). My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college. She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns. This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim. By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.” The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus. Read the rest of this entry »
NAUGHTY EGGNOGDecember 23, 2015
FRIENDS BANGSGIVINGNovember 26, 2015
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACHNovember 24, 2015
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach. Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy. The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving. If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place. This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor. Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes. Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).
BANGSGIVING BEVVYNovember 20, 2015
Tonight is the night. Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening. This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion. This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off. The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over. Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage. Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it. These go down smooth so be careful. You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Eating Buddy: Anything and everything Thanksgiving themed
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
5. 2 cinnamon sticks
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it. Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down. Become that drunken clown!
NAUGHTY EGGNOGDecember 24, 2008
So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang. It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression. Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that. If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ. Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry. Not merry yet? Have another glass of this naughty nog. After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this). My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college. She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns. This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim. By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.” The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus.
Total time: approximately 1¼ hours = 3 minutes to prep, the rest to chill
Projected cost: $5 (not including liquor)
Eating Buddy: Christmas cookies
Ingredients (for 6 sexy servings):
1. 2 ½ cups of whole milk
2. ½ cup of dark rum
3. ½ cup of brandy
4. 2 cups of heavy cream
5. 1 cup brown sugar
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. Nutmeg to taste
8. 6 eggs
In a large mixing bowl, add each ingredient separately and beat them in this order: eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla extract. After beating it all together, toss in some ground nutmeg.
Like in Step 1, add each ingredient and mix thoroughly in this order: heavy cream, milk, rum and brandy. Beat it together again and chill in the fridge for at least an hour before serving. After chilling, mix it up again and then ladle up some glasses and sprinkle more nutmeg. Ho ho ho!
GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOESNovember 18, 2008
Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful. Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal. But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you. Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion. You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly. This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City. What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving? You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey. You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter. Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season. Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst. Happy Holidays!
1. 1 tablespoon salt
2. 1 cup of buttermilk
3. 4 cloves of garlic chopped
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. ¼ stick of butter
6. 7 small red potatoes quartered
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils. Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden. Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes. Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender. Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.