The Thanksgiving is hangover on now. You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track. At least the turkey was good, right? Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone. Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming. If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest. The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots. Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid. Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
Bangsgiving is upon us! It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence. While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families. These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes. There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting. That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07. Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG
Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top. Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top. Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).
Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo. You’re that good!
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach. Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy. The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving. If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place. This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor. Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes. Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).
Tonight is the night. Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening. This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion. This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off. The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over. Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage. Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it. These go down smooth so be careful. You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
5. 2 cinnamon sticks
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it. Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down. Become that drunken clown!
The vegans deserve some love from time to time. Neglecting their needs would be insensitive of me as the apex of a modern gentleman. Besides, I have had a parade of smoking hot, not too hippie chicks passing through my boudoir recently to ignore their needs. Their picky palette must be satisfied too before my insatiable appetite gets its finger-licking fix. Creamed spinach was my bag that night, but my no-cream cutie wasn’t having it. Alas, the Thai cuisine saved the day. Coconut milk was a satisfactory cream-substitute for little miss animal freedom fighter. Smiles all around. Homegirl got her way; homeboy got to play. Plus a new dish was born for the next vegan Thanksgiving when we need something to go with the organic tofurkey.
Ingredients (serves 6)
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1/2 can coconut milk
3. 1 dash sea salt
4. 1 small handful sun-dried tomato roughly chopped
5. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
6. 2 massive handfuls fresh spinach
Sauté the ginger in olive oil (approx 30 sec) before adding the sun-dried tomatoes (approx 1 min). Throw in the spinach and sauté with a dash of salt until it wilts (approx 2 min). Pour in the coconut milk and slowly cook on low heat until the liquid mostly evaporates and absorbs into the spinach (approx 5 min).
Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful. Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal. But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you. Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion. You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly. This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City. What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving? You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey. You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter. Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season. Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst. Happy Holidays!
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils. Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden. Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes. Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender. Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.