PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

July 29, 2015
Let your date guess what they’re tasting.  They will be surprised and aroused.

Let your date guess what they’re tasting. They will be surprised and aroused.

Shandy, you dandy randy non-brandy.  This is a classic British drink that runs the gamut of concoctions from the mundane: beer mixed with 7-Up to the insane: beer mixed lighter fluid and sharks blood.   Let’s just call this one a compromise that is Forest Gump stupid easy to make.  The garnishes make all the difference.  The mint, lime and lemons are like the tuxedo that covers up a pair of tighty whiteys.  Shandy’s are refreshingly intoxicating and are perfect to cool your hot steamy ass off.  After all, Shandy’s were the drink of choice for the British imperialists occupying nation a whole muggier than their cooler limey homes.  So make like an imperialist swine and occupy some territory in your date’s pantalones. Read the rest of this entry »


DOWN WITH BROWNIE SUNDAE

December 28, 2009

I'm always down for a little brown or black or yellow or white or whatever hottie comes my way

I’m pretty much down with every color of the rainbow. Call me an equal opportunity banger.  If you photographed all my past play pals, you would have a perverse United Colors of Benetton ad. So long as she’s hot and wild, I will go there. My loins are open-minded and willing to give each and every heritage the opportunity to please and get pleased. What can I say? I have taken to heart what Martin Luther King, Jr. “Let them be judged not by the color of their skin, but the content of their character.” The only thing I would add is “the contents of their pantalones.” We’re all the same color when the bedroom lights are out. So with this inspiring call to tolerance in banging and life, I give you this sundae I made for a lady of a Latin heritage. She salsa-danced with her hips on my loins and made me scream “Ay dios mio!”

Total time: approximately 10 minutes

Projected cost: $6

Drinking Buddy: Brandy or cognac
Ingredients (serves 2):

1. 2 scoops vanilla ice cream

2. 2 tbsp butterscotch

3. 1 handful raspberries

4. 2 PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES

5. 1 small handful chopped walnuts

Step 1

First heat up the butterscotch. Lay a brownie bed, scoop ice cream on top, surround with raspberries, pour over the hot butterscotch, and crown with walnuts and go nuts!

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DON’T CATCH CRABS DIP

May 20, 2009
At least you won't have to worry about these crabs.

At least you won't have to worry about these crabs.

I hear it’s pretty hard to get rid of crabs.  But not so when you have a dip this deceptively simple.  This is a perfect fast snack that screams out that you are one classy bastard.  Serve this up with the beverage of your choice and take the date from conversation to heavy petting by their third bite.  You can pull it off in two bites if you hand feed them.  So what are you waiting for slacker?  Slack off all the way into their pantalones!

crab cream cheese dip prepTotal time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients:
1. 1 box of round crackers
2. 2 tablespoons of cocktail sauce
3. 1 brick of cream cheese
4. 1 small can of CRAB MEAT

Step 1
Spread cream cheese around the edges of a deep bowl.  Drain the crab meat and then rub it evenly into the cream cheese.  Scoop the cocktail sauce and rub it evenly into the crab.  Create a wheel of crackers and place the dip bowl in the middle.  Drag the crackers along the edge of the bowl and scoop yourself up some good times.
crab cream cheese dip fix

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