April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.
Never trust a ginger. Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan. Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared. The same rules apply for drinks. Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown. But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence. That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar. I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead. She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino. Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit. I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime. But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”. For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy. But I did with the ginger hussy. The Slutty Temple made me do it!.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Eating Buddy: OMG PB&J !, LET’S BANG S’MORE, WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?, TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETS.
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3. 2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime
Step 1
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in. Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass. Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.
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fusion, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: 7-up, alcohol, Alcoholic Shirley temple recipe, bang, beverage, booze, childhood, cocktail, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, game changer, get laid, good ship lollypop, gourmet, grenadine, guarantee, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, lime, naked, recipe, refreshing, seduce, seduced, sex, Shirley temple, slutty temple, tasty, vodka, wet, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Artichoke bruschetta recipe, artichoke hearts, balsamic vinegar, bang, basil, bruschetta recipe, cheese, cracked pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, libido, light fare, Mediterranean, Mediterranean diet, naked, olive oil, parmesan, party, recipe, red onion, refreshing, salt, seduce, sex, simple, snack, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 16, 2015
We’ve only just begun, but I’m down to take my sweet sweet time.
Seduction is all about finesse. You can’t just meet someone, ram your tongue down their throat and expect to enjoy full penetration within 10 minutes. Perhaps if your life is a porno…but the rest of us need to play it cool, even after we break the banging seal. This applies especially to anyone who spends the night that you want to keep around for a little while. If you decide not to fake a family emergency to force them out of your bed, you might as well make them breakfast. Busting out the caviar to sprinkle over your lobster FRITTATA might be overkill. Try something a little simpler that makes an impression like a well-positioned tongue. The parfait is the perfect vehicle for morning foreplay because it takes seconds to hook up something refreshing, healthy and damn tasty. With the morning lubricated by the Parfait Foreplay, proceed with blowing off your plans to bang well into the afternoon. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, healthy, Mediterranean, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, breakfast, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, family emergency, food, foreplay, frittata, game changer, get laid, gourmet, granola, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lubricated, morning, naked, overkill, parfait recipe, recipe, refreshing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberry, tasty, tongue, yogurt, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!
Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk! What a difference a little vodka could have made. Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholic lemonade recipe, bang, beverage, delicious, drink, drinkable, drinking, drunk, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hard lemonade recipe, hard on, hardcore, homemade lemonade, intercourse, kitchen, lemons, libation lubrication, mint, moist, naked, party, raging, recipe, refreshing, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple syrup recipe, social lubricant, strawberries, strawberry lemonade recipe, sugar, tasty, vegetarian, vodka, wet, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 19, 2015
Once you popsicle you can’t stop, sicko!
It was only a matter of time before COOK TO BANG invaded the popsicle world. Summer is here and we need a cool and refreshing way to rev up our libidos. Look no further than the CTB Pornsicle series. We’re talking frozen pops loaded with APHRODISIACS and attitude. This is the perfect post-coital treat to get your loins a much-needed recharge for Round 2 banging your divine date demands. Feel free to include these frozen phallic pops are perfect to include in your culinarylingus activities. With fewer calories and natural ingredients, why would you lick anything else?
Read the rest of this entry »
5 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac popsicle, bang, banging, basil, brown sugar, cold, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frozen aphrodisiac, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, heat, homemade, ice pop, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, phallic, recipe, refreshing, round 2, seduce, sex, summer, tasty, Viagra-melon pornsicle recipe, watermelon, watermelon basil popsicle, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 29, 2015
Let your date guess what they’re tasting. They will be surprised and aroused.
Shandy, you dandy randy non-brandy. This is a classic British drink that runs the gamut of concoctions from the mundane: beer mixed with 7-Up to the insane: beer mixed lighter fluid and sharks blood. Let’s just call this one a compromise that is Forest Gump stupid easy to make. The garnishes make all the difference. The mint, lime and lemons are like the tuxedo that covers up a pair of tighty whiteys. Shandy’s are refreshingly intoxicating and are perfect to cool your hot steamy ass off. After all, Shandy’s were the drink of choice for the British imperialists occupying nation a whole muggier than their cooler limey homes. So make like an imperialist swine and occupy some territory in your date’s pantalones. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | british, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic beverage, bang, banging, booze, british, british empire, colonies, delicious, DIY, drink, easy, food, forest gump, frozen lemonade concentrate, game changer, garnishes, get laid, gourmet, gourmet shandy recipe, guarantee, homemade, imperialist, inexpensive beer, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemonade beer cocktail recipe, lemonane shandy, libido, lime, mint leaves, naked, occupy territory, pantalones, panty dropping shandy recipe, recipe, refreshing, seduce, sex, shandy recipe, suds, summer, tasty, tighty whiteys, tuxedo, UK, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 7, 2015
Sweet, spicy, totally macho.
I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, cold soup, cucumber, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, kool-aid man, latin, libido, Mediterranean, mini-skirts, muy macho papaya gazpacho, naked, nymphs, olive oil, papaya, papaya gazpacho recipe, parsley, recipe, red onion, red wine vinegar, refreshing, river-dance, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, sourdough bread, speed metal, summer, tasty, tomato juice, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 15, 2015
I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole
Celebrate like a proper American. Freedom, baby, yeah! Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties. While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch. If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns. This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang. It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies. So relax from all your labors and drink up. How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES
Step 1
Fill each glass halfway up with ice. Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup. Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class. Toss in a small handful of mint leaves. Pour in the tequila. Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, America, backyard, bang, banging, bbq, booze, bunny ranch water recipe, Carson city, club soda, cougars, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grilling, guarantee, hard bodies, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, labor day, libation lubrication, libido, lime, mint, moonlite bunny ranch, naked, Nevada, pool, ranch water recipe, recipe, refreshing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, tasty, tequila, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 27, 2015
This dessert was NOT approved by the Girl Scouts of America.
Sometimes the way to lure in a hottie is to appeal to their inner fatty. Don’t make a habit out of it or the fatty will take over like the Dark Side took over Darth Vader. But indulging every once in a while, or more than that if you’re like me, is what life is all about. Balance those small doses of decadence with a few hours of calorie-burning screaming orgasms. Burn enough fat and you deserve another round of Thin Mint Fatties. They are delicious, refreshing, and quick to assemble so you’ll be back to the tainted task at hand in no time. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | dairy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: balance, bang, banging, butterscotch, calorie-burning, caramel, cookies, darth vader, decadence, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fattie, food, game changer, get laid, girl scout cookies, gourmet, guarantee, haagen daz, homemade, hottie, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, quick, recipe, refreshing, screaming orgasms, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, star wars, sweets, tasty, thin mint fatties, thin mints, vanilla ice crea, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 15, 2014
Prescription-strength delicious
It’s party time! The night is full of possibilities. You have your date lined up. You are pretty sure things are good to go. So don’t leave the cocktails to chance. Class wherever you’re going up with some watermelon ice cubes. You can turn a boring vodka soda into a superbly subtle recipe for delectable debauchery. Watermelon is a bonafide aphrodisiac that has the same compounds that Viagra offers to get guys’ pistons firing at full speed. The juicy melon is mostly water, with a refreshing flavor that does your body right. Allow the cube to melt and the watermelon particles break away, turbo-charging your drink for the night ahead. If an erection lasts for more than four hours…go with it! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, holidays, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, aphrodisiac, bang, booze, chilly, cocktail, cold, cube, delicious, drunk, easy, fancy, frozen, fruity, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, ice, intercourse, kitchen, mixer, naked, natural, new years eve, party, recipe, refreshing, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sweet, Viagra, watermelon, Watermelon ice cubes, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 