July 29, 2015
Let your date guess what they’re tasting.  They will be surprised and aroused.

Let your date guess what they’re tasting. They will be surprised and aroused.

Shandy, you dandy randy non-brandy.  This is a classic British drink that runs the gamut of concoctions from the mundane: beer mixed with 7-Up to the insane: beer mixed lighter fluid and sharks blood.   Let’s just call this one a compromise that is Forest Gump stupid easy to make.  The garnishes make all the difference.  The mint, lime and lemons are like the tuxedo that covers up a pair of tighty whiteys.  Shandy’s are refreshingly intoxicating and are perfect to cool your hot steamy ass off.  After all, Shandy’s were the drink of choice for the British imperialists occupying nation a whole muggier than their cooler limey homes.  So make like an imperialist swine and occupy some territory in your date’s pantalones. Read the rest of this entry »


March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!

Wake and Bake!

My honey’s got it going on.  She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby!  You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up.  Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots.  Hot damn!  We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free.  No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules.  The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up.  It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors.  So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can.  It will be our little secret.

baked-apples-prep1Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact.  Cut the smaller slivers off each core.  Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat.  Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey.  Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid.  Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside.  Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.

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January 11, 2009

Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!

Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!

A few years back I was in the UK for work, but treated it like a vacation. I promised my mother I would look up an old friend of hers, Lady something or other. We met for teatime in her manor outside of London with her daughter in tow. The daughter was in her early twenties and looked like Keira Knightley with a silver spoon shoved way up her bum. The girl was gorgeous, but a far cry from the good time Britons I befriended at a London techno club the previous evening. Little lady spoon-up-her-ass ignored the boorish American eating egg salad sandwiches and charming her mother. After our spot of tea, my mother’s friend instructed her daughter to show me around the grounds of their estate. She reluctantly showed me the horses, emus and llamas, her mother’s prized rose garden and finally the neatly manicured maze. You can tell how rich British person is by the size of their maze. This maze was HUGE. I insisted we venture in and allowed her to lead me through. To this day, I don’t know whether she got us lost on purpose. What I am sure of is that this lady became a tramp away from prying eyes. This girl who had earlier regarded me as less appealing than dogshit on her shoe suddenly pounced on me like a lioness in heat. We returned to the manor tousled with grass stains all over her frilly white dress. She returned to her icy cold robot mode, never mentioning our unmentionable act. I consumed more tea and egg salad sandwiches, which tasted way better post-coitus.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: This is lunch time fare so an iced tea or lemonade, unless you are a three martini lunch kind of guy

egg-salad-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. ½ a teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. Salt to taste
5. ¼ lime of juice
6. ½ an avocado (had to throw APHRODISIAC in the mix)
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. 4 slices of bread

Step 1
Get a pot of water boiling and toss the eggs until they are hard-boiled (approx 5 minutes). Place the eggs in a bowl of water and ice to cool them down before you remove the shells.
Step 2
Combine the eggs, green onions, cayenne pepper, salt and limejuice in a bowl. Mix it all up with a fork to smash the eggs into tiny chunks. Your egg salad should have a yellow tinge from the yolks and cayenne.
Step 3
Toast the bread, preferably not too dark. Split up the egg salad between the two slices of toasted bread. Set avocado on top of each, close the sandwiches, split them in half and serve.

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