OBSCENE TANGERINE DREAM SCALLOPS

January 11, 2016
tangerine scallops served

Dream a little obscene dream

I dream a little dream every day.  My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé.  There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”.  That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety.  They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces.   The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides.  You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business.  My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you.  Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams.  And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream.  Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »


THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


SILLY WILLY CHILI CRAB

December 26, 2014

It’s Silly Willy the love dish, Horny thru and thru, Your tongue’s on fire you’re date’s turn on, Awe ee ooh ooh!

That silly willy gets all over the place! Feed it spicy food and watch it zoom around the room like a monkey on a meth/Viagra cocktail. Shenanigans shall ensue and it will get messy! But isn’t that why you make ridiculous culinary creations? You best inspire a fever-pitch amount of naked naughtiness with your vittles or surrender your libido. Seriously. Welcome to advanced Cook To Bang! This recipe is not for the microwave dinner daters. My uncle’s Indonesian wife Frida taught me this chili crab recipe/love potion cooked by men the night they propose to their future wives. The thought behind this is only a crazy woman lacking taste buds and common decency could turn you down after consuming food this awe-inspiring. I’m not saying Cook To Propose (although this would be a worthy dish), but expect you will own the night. Read the rest of this entry »


OYSTERS BANG-A-FELLER

August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller.  Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special.  All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged.  So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power.  The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium.  Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »


SHRIMP SLAP THE PORTOBELL-HO

September 30, 2013

You a pimp or a shrimp?

This recipe comes courtesy of Pete in Brooklyn, NY. Great title, great combination of things I love.  Pete writes:

When that Portobello just won’t do as its told, shrimp slap it. Yank at it, scrape it up, stuff it good and proper. There will be no more of that disrespecting your taste buds. You will get yours with this recipe. If you fail with this dish, you fail at living the good life. Read the rest of this entry »


BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS

September 16, 2013
Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!

Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!

Culinary seduction is a delicate dance.  One can never seem too eager or lackadaisical.  Walk the tightrope.  It’s all about putting as much passion into your cooking as you do into your banging. Like in the sack, you want them begging for more of your food.  This can yield repeat visits from a sex kitten or wild stallion.  They might just tell their friends about the hottest night of their adult life, your future CTB candidates.  There is no better publicity than an outstanding performance.  Hence, this fine dish.  It all started while I was house-sitting a family friend’s home in Key West.  I took a booze cruise along the Florida Bay where I met a college girl staying with her eccentric aunt.  We laughed and drank and were both ravenous when we stepped off the SS Drunken Fools.  I bought freshly shucked jumbo scallops from a fisherman on the docks and lured her to my abode with promises of the “best meal ever”. When I got to the pad I found a fridge loaded with only condiments and frozen bacon in the freezer.  Desperation leads to innovation and in this case fornication.  The bacon was crisp, the scallops succulent, the flavor in full effect.  After eating my food, this college girl was down for just about anything.  She did in fact beg for more and more and more.  Only a cold-hearted bastard would deny her. Read the rest of this entry »


BEGGIN’ WRAPPED SHRIMP

May 16, 2011

Leave 'em beggin' for bacon

In the immortal words of lady hip hop divas TLC, “I ain’t too proud to beg!” Good to know. Because that is the attitude you should inspire in your dates. The most effective way to do that is to blow their goddamn minds with mind-blowing nibbles. Between good eats and being a great lay, you will brainwash them. They will be begging you for another taste. It’s like a harem full of opium addicts. Only your fix will give them the satisfaction they require. Wrap it up tight in meaty goodness. Read the rest of this entry »