March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.
I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day. Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass? That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back. The rest of you know what I’m talking about. Like I said, these are not my proudest moments. But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”. It was Halloween, damnit! Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible. Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza. It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs. Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min). Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.
Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.
January 18, 2016
Flirty, dirty and wordy. This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.
This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich. It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring. It can’t help flirting with everyone its path. This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits. That is the power of said sandwich. The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before. You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all. It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs. I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second. Amen! Read the rest of this entry »
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
January 6, 2016
Gotta lotta burrata to fatha
Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events? The very notion makes me shudder. That’s how I feel about creamy, dreamy burrata mozzarella. This majestic dairy product was hand delivered by Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed on a cloud made of chocolate and feathers. But as good as burrata is, without some sort of tasty wingman, it’s like eating caking frosting in the dark alone on a Saturday night (been there, it ain’t pretty). Tomatoes are the natural go to for most lovers of the CAPRESE SALAD and all things Italian. But clearly those well intentioned, but uninitiated have never enjoyed roasted red peppers with their burrata. I am willing to overlook this infraction, but now you have no excuse. Each bite is like a millions tiny angels tickling your balls or breasts. Heaven is calling your name, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »
December 16, 2015
We’ve only just begun, but I’m down to take my sweet sweet time.
Seduction is all about finesse. You can’t just meet someone, ram your tongue down their throat and expect to enjoy full penetration within 10 minutes. Perhaps if your life is a porno…but the rest of us need to play it cool, even after we break the banging seal. This applies especially to anyone who spends the night that you want to keep around for a little while. If you decide not to fake a family emergency to force them out of your bed, you might as well make them breakfast. Busting out the caviar to sprinkle over your lobster FRITTATA might be overkill. Try something a little simpler that makes an impression like a well-positioned tongue. The parfait is the perfect vehicle for morning foreplay because it takes seconds to hook up something refreshing, healthy and damn tasty. With the morning lubricated by the Parfait Foreplay, proceed with blowing off your plans to bang well into the afternoon. Read the rest of this entry »
November 24, 2015
I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach. Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy. The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving. If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place. This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor. Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes. Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).