August 23, 2013
Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a stinky pinky, y’all!
Riding dirty is the Southern way. At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans. I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley. She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen. This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins. I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears. My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure. But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir. It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.
I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | libation lubrication, southern, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, aphrodisiac, bang, beverage, bourbon, bourgeois, delicious, drink, drinkable, drunken, easy, elegant, fancy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, horse racing, horses, intercourse, Kentucky, Kentucky derby, kitchen, ladies hats, lick your lips, mint, Mint julep recipe, naked, recipe, romance, scarlet O’Hara, SEDUCTION, sex, smarty Jones, south, southern, southern belle, tasty, thoroughbred, whiskey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 2, 2011
photo: Noah Abrams
Wine is without a doubt the sexiest of all drinks. It ages better than most humans and is good for your heart. The variety of flavors, aromas and textures titillate your senses in oh so many special ways. With wine comes wisdom. It never hurts to talk a good wine game. You can’t deny that the aroma can be tantalizing and the taste seductive. Don’t be surprised if you get the yearning to fuck the glass. Read the rest of this entry »
5 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, healthy, italian | Tagged: alcohol, beverage, blanc, cabernet, champagne, chardonnay, drinks, food, french, german, italien, merlot, noir, pairing, pinot, riesling, sauvignon, SEDUCTION, veritas, vino, wine | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 1, 2010
AKA The Stupak
I already know. I’m going to hell. So quit with the “I never!” already. I get it. Totally understand that this is crossing the line of good taste. But what’s a life without choices? I made the choice to create a ridiculous cocktail that seemed funny at the time. There were some laughs, some gasps, and some, “You’re an ass!” But you know what? One thing everyone agreed on, it was goddamn delicious! APRIL FOOLS, suckas!!!
Total time: 1 minute
Projected cost: $2
Eating buddy: LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS
Ingredients (per shot)
1. 3/4 shot of Baileys Irish Cream
2. 1 splash grenadine
3. 1 maraschino cherry
Step 1
Fill a shot glass 3/4 full of Baileys. Toss in a cherry. Fill to top with grenadine. Drink.
2 Comments | libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: abortion, April fools, baileys Irish cream, bang, banging, beverage, booze, choices, cocktail, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, good taste, gourmet, grenadine, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maraschino cherry, naked, pro-choice, recipe, roe v wade, roe vs. wade, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shot, Stupak, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 24, 2008
This Naughty Nog, ba-rumpa-pum-pum
So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang. It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression. Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that. If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ. Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry. Not merry yet? Have another glass of this naughty nog. After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this). My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college. She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns. This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim. By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.” The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus.
Total time: approximately 1¼ hours = 3 minutes to prep, the rest to chill
Projected cost: $5 (not including liquor)
Eating Buddy: Christmas cookies
Ingredients (for 6 sexy servings):
1. 2 ½ cups of whole milk
2. ½ cup of dark rum
3. ½ cup of brandy
4. 2 cups of heavy cream
5. 1 cup brown sugar
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. Nutmeg to taste
8. 6 eggs
Step 1
In a large mixing bowl, add each ingredient separately and beat them in this order: eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla extract. After beating it all together, toss in some ground nutmeg.
Step 2
Like in Step 1, add each ingredient and mix thoroughly in this order: heavy cream, milk, rum and brandy. Beat it together again and chill in the fridge for at least an hour before serving. After chilling, mix it up again and then ladle up some glasses and sprinkle more nutmeg. Ho ho ho! 
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: Alcoholic eggnog, bang, beverage, brandy, Christmas, cold, cream, creamy, decadent, delicious, drink, drunk, easy, eggnog recipe, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holidays, homemade eggnog, intercourse, kitchen, milk, naked, recipe, romance, rum, SEDUCTION, sex, soothing, wet, winter | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 