creamy | Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid

Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

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TOWER OF SWEET TATER TEMPTATION

April 13, 2016

The tower of power!

Behold the fabled tower! It is said to control our ids. When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile. With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash. Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay. Go for it! Embrace the unknown. Give into your desires.” Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you. Don’t over-think it. Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you. They have your best interest at heart. And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult. Kool-Aid, anyone?

Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min). Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.

Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan. Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.

1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, bewildered, black pepper, butter, carbohydrate, carbs, chia pet, coo, creamy, delicious, DIY, dreamy, easy, fable, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grateful, green onion, guarantee, high priest, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kool-aid, libido, mash, mashed sweet potatoes recipe, naked, paprika, parmesan dairy, recipe, roast, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex cult, side dish, sweet potato, tasty, tower, tower of sweet tater temptation recipe, yams, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang

COBB & BALLS SALAD

March 9, 2016

Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.

You can’t argue with a classic. The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot. But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive? It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content. You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth. The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced

Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese. Set aside.

Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl. Throw the chopped tomato on top. Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly. Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too. Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top. Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.

Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is. DO NOT TOSS! You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond. Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.

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Posted by cooktobang

NAUGHTY EGGNOG

December 23, 2015

So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang. It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression. Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that. If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ. Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry. Not merry yet? Have another glass of this naughty nog. After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this). My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college. She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns. This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim. By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.” The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus. Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, winter | Tagged: Alcoholic eggnog, bang, banging, beverage, brandy, Christmas, cold, cream, creamy, decadent, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, eggnog recipe, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holidays, homemade, homemade eggnog, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, recipe, romance, rum, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soothing, tasty, wet, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang

BBW BBQ CHOP CHICKEN SALAD

June 17, 2015

BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked

This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there. I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”. So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality. It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way. The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening. But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy. Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock. This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by cooktobang

PARTYCHOKE CHICKEN CHA CHA

March 13, 2009

Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Can you cha cha? It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe. I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption. If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded. This dish is on same page as the cha cha. It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one. You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste. Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: alfredo sauce, aphrodisiac, artichoke, ballroom, bang, blindfold, cha cha, cheese, creamy, Creamy artichoke chicken recipe, dance, delicious, DIY, drunken monkeys, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, italian, kick game, kitchen, lab monkey, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, pan-steam, parmesan, pre-seasoned chicken breast, recipe, screw the pooch, seduce, sex, strictly ballroom, tasty, turpentine, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang

BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

February 28, 2009

Do wop babaloo bop do wop BANG BOOM!

Just imagine yourself a young, horny kid in the 50’s. Too bad societal pressures would keep you from indulging your every whim like James Dean. No, you would be expected to settle for some awesome chrome car and a letterman jacket or pressed Donna Reed blouse. Sounds good in their theory, but do you really want to wait until marriage to bang to your hearts content? Chances are you would be locked in to a loveless marriage fueled by Dean Martin, scotch, and keys in the punchbowl parties. Luckily, 50+ years and a sexual revolution later, we can indulge our carnal desire milkshake without having to buy the whole rancid cow. Bear in mind that back then the concept of lactose intolerance was not even a glimmer in the milkman banging the bored housewife’s eye. But we can thank the 50’s for the malt shop culture. Back then they couldn’t bang so they consumed high calorie treats. Now we can do both. So sip your milkshake while you lift up that poodle skirt and doo wop to your heart’s content.

Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: If you are hardcore you could pour in some vodka

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream
2. 2 cups of milk
3. 2 tablespoons of honey
4. 1 banana
5. 1 handful of pistachios

Step 1
Break the banana in half and drop it in the blender along with the ice cream, honey, pistachios and milk and blend it to perfection. Serve it up cold before things get really hot!

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Posted by cooktobang

NAUGHTY EGGNOG

December 24, 2008

This Naughty Nog, ba-rumpa-pum-pum

Total time: approximately 1¼ hours = 3 minutes to prep, the rest to chill
Projected cost: $5 (not including liquor)
Eating Buddy: Christmas cookies

Ingredients (for 6 sexy servings):
1. 2 ½ cups of whole milk
2. ½ cup of dark rum
3. ½ cup of brandy
4. 2 cups of heavy cream
5. 1 cup brown sugar
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. Nutmeg to taste
8. 6 eggs

Step 1
In a large mixing bowl, add each ingredient separately and beat them in this order: eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla extract. After beating it all together, toss in some ground nutmeg.

Step 2
Like in Step 1, add each ingredient and mix thoroughly in this order: heavy cream, milk, rum and brandy. Beat it together again and chill in the fridge for at least an hour before serving. After chilling, mix it up again and then ladle up some glasses and sprinkle more nutmeg. Ho ho ho!