FRENCHING YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN

February 29, 2016
frenching your english muffin served 2

French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you

Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up.  They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp.  This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales.  Ibiza…nuff said.  Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket.  So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat.  It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter.  But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do.  I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning.  My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast.  But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.

frenching your english muffin prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins

Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
frenching your english muffin batter
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter.  Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter.  Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over.  Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
frenching your english muffin pan
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup.  Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins.  Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min).  Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
frenching your english muffin syrup
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
frenching your english muffin served

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


LET THEM EAT SALMON CAKES

February 1, 2016

Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.

That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »


THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS

October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!

Lox them up and throw away the key!

Parents, you have been warned.  Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them.  Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off.  I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan.  Sorry, suckers.  There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD.  The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »


PANTYLESS POACHED PEARS

October 4, 2015

Poof go the panties!

Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.

Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves

Step 1
Peel, halve, and core the pears.

Step 2
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.

Step 3
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


OOH LE LE BREAKFAST

July 22, 2015

Foux da fafa all the way to the bedroom!

You gotta hand it to the French. No one pulls off being a bunch of fancy bitches quite like them. You’ll look like a goddamn pansy if you try to replicate without the accent. But for some reason they can act ass all sissy la la and it’s totally acceptable. So when it comes to cooking French-style cuisine, I always speak in a ridiculous accent, wear a beret, and engage in all things French: French fries, French kisses, French ticklers. Ca va? Tres bonne. Ca va et toi? Breakfast will never be the same once Frenchy McFrenchface comes to play. Read the rest of this entry »


BBLT – BIG BEAUTIFUL LADY TAMER SINWICH

January 23, 2013
AKA Brie Bacon Lettuce Tomato Sandwich

AKA Brie Bacon Lettuce Tomato Sandwich

Don’t let the BBW reference scare you.  This sandwich is lean, mean and totally obscene.  Just the way you like it.  Here at CTB, we strive to make gourmet food accessible for the masses in DIY fashion.  But sometimes we do you one better, and I’m not just talking about when candles are lit after a bottle of wine.  Occasionally we take a simple classic dish and load it with sexy pretension.  Sure you could make a BLT – Boring Lame Tired sandwich.  But that will be as memorable as a premature ejaculator.  You need to treat a sandwich like you would a well-planned yet nonchalant seduction.  Bring on the Brie cheese!  Allow the delicate flavors of France to remake this American classic.  Now claim this sandwich to be your own design and accept the praise and sexual healing that will follow. Read the rest of this entry »