JAMBALAYA DOWN WITH ME

September 25, 2015

Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!

Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »


FREAKY FRIED CHICKEN SALAD

June 1, 2015
Who da freak?  You da freak!  And I sure do like it!

Who da freak? You da freak! And I sure do like it!

It’s about that time. What time you ask? It’s certainly not the time to get dull and apologetic. No sir. Put away the penny loafers and break out the rubber gimp suit. Time to act out your freakiest, kinkiest, most debauch fantasies EVER! Feel like covering yourself in honey and letting grizzly bears lick you clean? Go for it! Ever wonder what it would be like to eat a sandwich while banging someone’s brains out? No time like the present? Have you ever fantasized about combining watermelon into a salad? You are one sicko. But I love it! There are no rules here. We’ll designate a safe word in case we go too far into our depravity. That word is “MORE!” Read the rest of this entry »


I HAVE A WET DREAM COLLARD GREENS

January 19, 2015

A great man had a dream of equality for all. His dream of race relations improving and opportunities open to all was noble and superhuman. The fact Martin Luther King, Jr. helped usher in a better world is beyond question. But don’t worry; here at Cook To Bang we aren’t kidding ourselves comparing the culinary seduction movement to the civil rights era. It is however a civil right to cook and bang freely. So I thank all those who came before that made this hedonism possible. See I had a dream too. My dream did not consist of me speaking to a crowd 100,000 deep at the Washington Memorial. I dreamt that my younger self and those similarly clueless would figure out that they did not have to go home alone while D-bags that look like extras from the Jersey Shore bang the beautiful. In this unfathomable dream, average guys and girls like me could use their charm and skills in the kitchen to enable us to show off our skills in the bedroom. Would MLK be proud with his love of collard greens? I’d like to think yes he would be. History will be the ultimate decider. Read the rest of this entry »


BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS

September 16, 2013
Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!

Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!

Culinary seduction is a delicate dance.  One can never seem too eager or lackadaisical.  Walk the tightrope.  It’s all about putting as much passion into your cooking as you do into your banging. Like in the sack, you want them begging for more of your food.  This can yield repeat visits from a sex kitten or wild stallion.  They might just tell their friends about the hottest night of their adult life, your future CTB candidates.  There is no better publicity than an outstanding performance.  Hence, this fine dish.  It all started while I was house-sitting a family friend’s home in Key West.  I took a booze cruise along the Florida Bay where I met a college girl staying with her eccentric aunt.  We laughed and drank and were both ravenous when we stepped off the SS Drunken Fools.  I bought freshly shucked jumbo scallops from a fisherman on the docks and lured her to my abode with promises of the “best meal ever”. When I got to the pad I found a fridge loaded with only condiments and frozen bacon in the freezer.  Desperation leads to innovation and in this case fornication.  The bacon was crisp, the scallops succulent, the flavor in full effect.  After eating my food, this college girl was down for just about anything.  She did in fact beg for more and more and more.  Only a cold-hearted bastard would deny her. Read the rest of this entry »


LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear.  I don't give a damn if you're tired.  Let's bang.

Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.

I do declare!  Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar.  The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass.  Hot to fucking trot!  It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate.  Fine with me.  It’s like a guy in a threesome.  He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians.  Don’t worry, girls.  Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour.  Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep.  Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome.  Just remember, you’re really only there to watch.  Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »


BLACKENED HEART CATFISH

May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black.  At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said.  Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior.  Who knew?  I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors.  Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself?  This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »


BANG LIKE THE DEVILED EGGS

December 29, 2010
You will become possessed by the deviled eggs!

You will become possessed by the deviled eggs!

The devil sometimes gets a bad rap.  Granted the guy is a total dick with his evil powers of manipulation and intentions to enslave mankind.  But all those insipid qualities aside, the guy is a smooth operator.  One thing I can tell you is the great evil one can cook like the devil.  I saw it first hand in a Devil Gone Down to Georgia showdown.  Apparently my cooking and banging has gotten his attention.  He challenged me after one of my successful evenings cooking up a feast for a delectable date and the inevitable banging that followed.  It was Iron Chef in hell.  The judges gave us one hour to create a 4-course meal out of this gelatinous food staple of the Underworld called Gorvax.  Gorvax is from the potato family, except it is 600 degrees F straight out of volcanic ash and contains barbs sharp enough to cut steel.  Naturally the competition was a massive stress ball thanks to the crazy undead camera crew sticking their lenses in my face and cooking station.  But I kept faith in myself and cooked my heart out not worrying about the horned one.  That devil was so shocked I beat him with my Gorvax 4 four ways, including the Gorvax a la mode with caramelized sugar.  I was surprised as you are that the devil did not welsh on our bet.  He handed over this recipe for Deviled Eggs that is all the rage among homemakers in hell. Read the rest of this entry »