July 15, 2011
Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!
I’m the first to admit that I’ve had relations with a fire crotch. Actually more than one. More than…uh, never mind! I may have a problem. All I see is red. I probably should see a shrink about this. The red menace of the Cold War ain’t got nothing on my compulsion for banging red heads. Maybe it’s something primal like I was a bull killed by a matador in a past life. Ole my ass! At least now I get that red instead of being teased and tormented before being slaughtered for the crowd’s delight. This refreshing and APHRODISIAC bombshell hits the spot and lures those gingers right in. Be warned that it’s a bitch cleaning up all the red hairs gingers leave behind. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
January 28, 2011
This is one type of blood you would never fear.
Blood oranges are bulbous citrus-filled orgasms. They bring me more joy than I can possibly articulate with earthly language. Suffice to say that everything they touch gets better and classier. The fact you don’t have any in your kitchen makes me question your commitment to your libido. Now’s your chance to earn my respect back: truck on over to the store to get what’s yours. Got some now? Good. We may proceed with mixing up a sexsational cocktail that will leaving your date begging for more. I fully expect you to take credit for inventing this drink. Your date will be all the more impressed that you are a master mixologist in addition to being a cunning linguist with your cunnilingus. Now make it rainy, you bloody bastard! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
November 12, 2010
Sex & The City? More like Sex In The City!
This one goes out to all you ladies having Sex & The City parties or just having sex in the city. We all know that you sophisticated women of the world like to relax and gab out their lives with a cocktail in hand. Sure the Cosmo is the uniform drink, but me thinks there’s a room for a new contender. The Sour Apple Martini is way to tart and a regular James Bond-style martini is way too boozy and requires you to have a watch that shoots lasers. Surely there’s a happy medium that is classy, refined and the “just right” like the Little Red Riding Hood in Jimmy Choos seeks. Ladies, I present to you a simple, fast and “just right” cocktail that has made every woman I served it to just a bit classier, not to mention friskier. So whether it makes you Charlottes into Samanthas or the Mirandas into a Carries (feel free to correct me as I watched the show only once with my mother who insisted that the key to understanding women was watching Sex & The City), COOK TO BANG has you covered. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, booze, carrie bradshaw, charlotte, cocktail, Cosmopolitan, delicious, DIY, drink, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice, intercourse, james bond, jimmy choo, kettel one, kitchen, lasers, libation lubrication, libido, little red riding hood, Miranda, naked, pomegranate martini recipe, pommeltini bikini recipe, recipe, Samantha, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex & the city, shaken not stirred, sophisticated, sour apple martini, sparkling pomegranate juice, tasty, vodka, watermelon, watermelon martini recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 1, 2010
AKA The Stupak
I already know. I’m going to hell. So quit with the “I never!” already. I get it. Totally understand that this is crossing the line of good taste. But what’s a life without choices? I made the choice to create a ridiculous cocktail that seemed funny at the time. There were some laughs, some gasps, and some, “You’re an ass!” But you know what? One thing everyone agreed on, it was goddamn delicious! APRIL FOOLS, suckas!!!
Total time: 1 minute
Projected cost: $2
Eating buddy: LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS
Ingredients (per shot)
1. 3/4 shot of Baileys Irish Cream
2. 1 splash grenadine
3. 1 maraschino cherry
Step 1
Fill a shot glass 3/4 full of Baileys. Toss in a cherry. Fill to top with grenadine. Drink.
2 Comments | libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: abortion, April fools, baileys Irish cream, bang, banging, beverage, booze, choices, cocktail, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, good taste, gourmet, grenadine, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maraschino cherry, naked, pro-choice, recipe, roe v wade, roe vs. wade, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shot, Stupak, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 18, 2009
Shoot em up with aphrodisiac charged slurps!
Ready, aim, fire! KERPLOW! That’s the sound of resistance to your sexy ass being obliterated. Oysters as you well know rev up the engine in your pantalones like filling up a Prius with rocket fuel or feeding a gerbil meth. And combine it with the sweet warm embrace of vodka and you are ready to fucking rumble, I first fell in love with oyster shooters in the Big Easy, New Orleans for you uninitiated. I downed three of them before charging out onto Bourbon Street where Mardi gras madness was on like a very horny Donkey Kong. The seething mass of frat boys and sorostitutes were no match for me. I was suited and booted with oyster power that made me stand out from the crowd of fools. I led one such sorority tramp away from the rest of the Greeks, pounded oyster shots with her and then vanished to my nearby hotel room where we banged each other’s brains out. Things got a little weird after when I forgot her name (Courtney perhaps?), but my libido made up for my apparent disrespect of this Southern Belle, I do declare!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Eating Buddy: This is best of both worlds: food & booze!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1½ shots ice-cold vodka
2. 4 dashes TABASCO sauce
3. 2 slices lemon
4. 2 raw OYSTERS
5. 2 pinches cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Remove the raw oysters from the shells and scoop them into the shot glasses. Add the cilantro and lemon, fill up the glasses with vodka, and add a few dashes of Tabasco sauce. Bottoms up…literally!
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: big easy, booze, delicious, donkey kong, food, frat boy, game changer, gerbil, get laid, greeks, guarantee, intercourse, kerplow, kitchen, lemon, libation lubrication, libido, Louisiana, mardis gras, meth, New Orleans, oh boy, Oyster shooter recipe, oysters, recipe, resistance, seduce, SEDUCTION, shoot her, sorostitute, southern belle, Tabasco sauce, tasty, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 6, 2009
Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds
Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion. The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties. Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority. Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability. Shame shame, they know your name! If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on. If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter. Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure. Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course). Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze. Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”
Total time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!
Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out
Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil. Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes). Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out. Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind. Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours). Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set. Serve the Jell-O shots up
There's always room for Jell-O!
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Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 