ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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LOVE ME (CHICKEN) TENDER

November 9, 2015
chicken-tenders-served

Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!

So it’s game day.  Are you ready for some football?  Damn straight!  Do you have your jersey?  Check!  Beer helmet? Mos def!  The case of brewskies?  You know it?  The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party?  Wait, what?  You do know that the game starts in an hour, right?  Oh, &$%#!  Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you.  This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser.  You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room.  Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


HALLOWEEN SUCK-HER PUNCH

October 30, 2015
halloween suck-her punch served

It was a dark and stormy night. There was a knock on my door. I opened the door only to find a slutty vampire ready to suck me dry.

The time is upon us!  My favorite holiday has arrived and I am ready to indulge in all manner of costumed tomfoolery.  You have to love a holiday that is an excuse for girls to bring out their inner sluts.  And sluts are given a pass for being the whores they are.  Dudes can act like maniacs and blame the “character” they are playing.  This year I am dressing like a doctor with a cardboard box labeled: FREE MAMMOGRAMS.  Someone needs to get the word out about Breast Cancer Awareness and if that means fondling hot strangers frittatas, I accept.  Yet I digress from my main point which is encourage my readers to be reckless, drink heavily and sleep with someone dressed like a slutty nurse, hunky fireman or the 10 million lemmings dressed like Michael Jackson.  Halloween is a perfect time to recruit new dates to COOK TO BANG.  Serve this awesomely boozy and rather tasty orange punch and you’ll be well on your way.  When in doubt, blame the booze.  Boo! Read the rest of this entry »


RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk!  What a difference a little vodka could have made.  Read the rest of this entry »


VIAGRA ON ICE

May 15, 2014
Prescription-strength delicious

Prescription-strength delicious

It’s party time! The night is full of possibilities.  You have your date lined up.  You are pretty sure things are good to go. So don’t leave the cocktails to chance.  Class wherever you’re going up with some watermelon ice cubes.  You can turn a boring vodka soda into a superbly subtle recipe for delectable debauchery.  Watermelon is a bonafide aphrodisiac that has the same compounds that Viagra offers to get guys’ pistons firing at full speed.   The juicy melon is mostly water, with a refreshing flavor that does your body right.  Allow the cube to melt and the watermelon particles break away, turbo-charging your drink for the night ahead.  If an erection lasts for more than four hours…go with it! Read the rest of this entry »


NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

September 24, 2010
This Bellini for me?  Ain't you a pureed peach!

This Bellini for me? Ain't you a pureed peach!

Most of us can’t claim to have a 100-foot yacht, 10 personal assistants, and our own private island. That privilege belongs to me.  These lavish riches are made possible by blogging about cooking and banging in my drafty garage. Sorry, suckers.  But fear not, for you can simulate this dilettante existence with a few simple adjustments: Cook with real potatoes rather than microwave tater tots you bought with food stamps; light your dining room table with candles instead of your Winnie the Pooh nightlight; make a classy drink from scratch rather than drink 3 bottles of Night Train in front of the Home Depot.  Easy enough even if you don’t light your Cuban cigars with $100 bills like me.  May I introduce this bubbly taste of class known to the civilized world as the Bellini?  It’s like a Mimosa remix that keeps them coming back for seconds, thirds and their tenth glass.  And what perfect timing with Valentines Day around the corner!  Serve this with dessert or the morning after following a night of carnal consummation.  You could also just pour it all over your naked body and invite your sweetie to lick you clean.  Regardless, know that you are in fact a peach. Read the rest of this entry »


MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW

February 6, 2009
Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds

Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds

Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion.  The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties.  Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority.  Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability.  Shame shame, they know your name!  If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on.  If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter.  Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure.  Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course).  Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze.  Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”

jello-shots-prepTotal time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!

Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out

Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil.  Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes).  Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
jello-shots-heat-and-mix
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out.  Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind.  Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours).  Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set.  Serve the Jell-O shots up
jello-shots-lemon

There's always room for Jell-O!

There's always room for Jell-O!

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