LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

March 17, 2016
Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

I felt sorry for Lucky the Leprechaun because those shithead kids wouldn’t share any Lucky Charms.  How hard would it have been to hook the little guy up with a small bowl of that artificial flavored filth?  Leave it up to us Americans to exploit and bastardize yet another cultural icon.  You can hardly blame the half-pint of Guinness for turning to the sauce.  At least we now have a symbol to blame all our mid-March misgivings on.  We’ll give props to some forgotten Catholic Saint of Ireland, eat some processed potato product and indulge in whiskey and beer.  Green is THE color and a perfect excuse to pinch the hot ass of that lass or lad not following the day’s chosen color palette.  Green our drinks shall be whether you choose to pour food dye into your Guinness or try on this COOK TO BANG exclusive.  It is sure to bring out the Lecherous Leprechaun in all of us.  So how about it, you lovely lasses?  Wanna set free the leprechaun in my pants?   There’s a pot of gold at the base of my half rainbow.

lecherous-leprechaun-prep1Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: approximately $15 (depending on price of the booze)
Eating Buddy: HO’S MAY BLOW-TATOES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker
2. 1 shot of vodka
3. Club soda
4. ¼ lime cut up and squeezed
5. 1 large handful of ice

Step 1
Squeeze ¼ of a lime into the glass, dropping the remains into the glass after.  Throw in a large handful of ice, and then pour in 1 shot of vodka and 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker.  Top each glass off with club soda and mix it all together.  Drink up before that leprechaun finishes your bevy for you.
lecherous-leprechaun-mix

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MO MOJO MOJITO

August 28, 2015
Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Viva la Revolucion! I’m not talking about Fidel Castro’s cigar chomping communist regime. I’m talking about the cocktail revolution led by the magical mojito. This cocktail is straight liquid sex appeal. The tart of the lime gets your feet moving; the sweet sugar fuels your moves; the frosty mint refreshes you’re overheating arse; the rum makes you holler at the moon. It takes me back to wild nights in Miami drinking way too many mojitos and going home with somebody shaking their hips hypnotically to a meringue beat. Much love goes out to those people in Havana who created such a perfect drink. I long for my own Guantanamera babe to help me get through this cruel winter. Cuba here I come! But in the mean time I can serve these up for the senoritas in my life. Mojitos never fail to arm me with a little mo mojo. The extra effort pays off in dividends when it compliments a spicy ENTRÉE. That’s what I call caliente! Read the rest of this entry »


BUNNY RANCH WATER

April 15, 2015
I'm sure you'll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

Celebrate like a proper American.  Freedom, baby, yeah!  Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties.  While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch.  If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns.  This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang.  It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies.  So relax from all your labors and drink up.  How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?

bunny ranch water prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES

Step 1

Fill each glass halfway up with ice.  Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup.  Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class.  Toss in a small handful of mint leaves.  Pour in the tequila.  Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.

bunny ranch water mix

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VIAGRA-MELON SOUP

August 23, 2011
Forget the little blue pill.  Try the big green melon!

Forget the little blue pill. Try the big green melon!

Are you feeling weak-willed, pathetic and flaccid?  You no longer have an excuse with this outstanding summer soup recipe.  Studies have proven that the citrulline in WATERMELON triggers arginine, the chemical in Viagra that gets male pistons pumping.  This soup will turbo charge your libido so you can take plenty of prisoners in the bedroom who won’t want to be released.  Stockholm Syndrome will be in effect with the amount of good loving you will be dishing out in a soup bowl.  Did I mention how refreshing chilled watermelon soup tastes, especially when you go for seconds after a particularly exhausting banging session?  Now get yourself to the market and then blow your dates mind, body and soul.  Boom-chicka-wah-wah! Read the rest of this entry »


CHASING GINGER TAIL

July 15, 2011
Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!

Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!

I’m the first to admit that I’ve had relations with a fire crotch.  Actually more than one.  More than…uh, never mind!  I may have a problem. All I see is red.  I probably should see a shrink about this.  The red menace of the Cold War ain’t got nothing on my compulsion for banging red heads.  Maybe it’s something primal like I was a bull killed by a matador in a past life.  Ole my ass!  At least now I get that red instead of being teased and tormented before being slaughtered for the crowd’s delight.  This refreshing and APHRODISIAC bombshell hits the spot and lures those gingers right in.  Be warned that it’s a bitch cleaning up all the red hairs gingers leave behind. Read the rest of this entry »