April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

Never trust a ginger.  Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan.  Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared.  The same rules apply for drinks.  Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown.  But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence.  That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar.  I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead.  She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino.  Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit.  I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime.  But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”.  For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy.  But I did with the ginger hussy.  The Slutty Temple made me do it!.

slutty-temple-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3.  2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime

Step 1
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in.  Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass.  Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.


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June 29, 2015

Childhood classic never tasted so innapropriately scrumptious

THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious

Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread?  The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal.  Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro.  Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine.  I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal.  Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date.  If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »


March 3, 2014
Make your date want S'more and more and more

Make your date want S’more and more and more

So you long for the days of your youth sitting around the campfire telling ghost stories and roasting marshmallows over an open flame. The smell of the crackling fire mixed with the subtle sounds of nature. You slept under the stars and imagined what it would be like to finally do some banging. Fast forward to current times. You can’t go camping because it’s winter time, you can’t take the time off of work, and the person you are banging hates the outdoors. No problemo! You can bring back those memories in the comfort of your home with practically no money and little mess. All you need is a toaster. A girl or guy to make it for would also help. It certainly helped last night when I made this lazy-man’s dessert to great effect. My conquest…I mean date was taken back to one of her best childhood memories singing silly songs around the campfire during Girl Scout camping trips. What a perfect opportunity to pounce. I didn’t even have to experience a guilt-trip telling an adorable Girl Scout, “No, I don’t want any of your goddamn over-priced, but crazy addictive cookies. Now get off my property!” Read the rest of this entry »


December 29, 2008

You can always cut the crusts off

You can always cut the crusts off

Your childhood calls out to you for simplicity.  You want to make something for your date that is both easy to assemble, mighty tasty, and nostalgic.  Paging Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.  This is comfort food so classic that your date instantly will feel safe enough to let their guard down.  One bite and they will be transported to a delicious wonderland of sweet flavors and more innocent times.  What a perfect opportunity to pounce.  We’ve taken the classic, given it a little more texture with the creamy banana and crunchy toasted bread to set fireworks off in each of your mouths.  KA-BOOM!  You should be stylin’ and ready to rock.  Perhaps you can sing some childhood songs as you munch.  “B-I-N-G-Ooooohhhh yeah!”

Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a juicebox spiked with vodka

Ingredients (for two sinwiches):
pbj-prep1. 2 tablespoons of peanut butter
2. 2 tablespoons of jelly (my choice was blueberry preserves)
3. 1 banana
4. 4 slices of bread

Step 1
Spread peanut butter on two of the slices of bread. Spread jelly on the other two slices of bread.  Peel the banana, then slice it lengthwise, yielding four thin slices of banana.  Cut each slice in half and place on bread with peanut butter.
Step 2
Push each sandwich altogether.  Place in toaster oven and set to medium-dark and toast until the bread becomes golden brown (if you don’t have a toaster oven GET ONE, but in the mean time you can broil the sandwiches in the oven, keeping close eye on them and flipping once).  Slice the sandwiches in half and serve with a childish grin.

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