November 6, 2015
Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!
The sound of castanets and Flamenco guitar riffs echo through the streets. I see a momentary flash of a beautiful figure in a black dress sauntering towards, and then she’s gone. Carmen? Is that you again? It seems that every time I eat Spanish tapas and drink sangria she appears. That unattainable Spanish hard body has been haunting my subconscious ever since I first laid eyes on her in a bar in Valencia. There I was, the gringo in the corner of the Spanish nightclub sipping my first sangria. Carmen crossed the room towards me, took my glass and downed it, then led me onto the dance floor. She wrapped on leg around my hip and I melted. The filthy suggestions she breathed heavily into my ear in her native tongue sent my mind skitso. Carmen sent me for one last round of sangria. When I eagerly returned she had vanished. To this day I don’t know if she was real or a hallucination brought on by a sangria overdose. That is why I make sangria now. Perhaps Carmen will return or, at the very least, I can turn the woman I serve it to into Carmen…for the night. Read the rest of this entry »
March 3, 2014
Make your date want S’more and more and more
So you long for the days of your youth sitting around the campfire telling ghost stories and roasting marshmallows over an open flame. The smell of the crackling fire mixed with the subtle sounds of nature. You slept under the stars and imagined what it would be like to finally do some banging. Fast forward to current times. You can’t go camping because it’s winter time, you can’t take the time off of work, and the person you are banging hates the outdoors. No problemo! You can bring back those memories in the comfort of your home with practically no money and little mess. All you need is a toaster. A girl or guy to make it for would also help. It certainly helped last night when I made this lazy-man’s dessert to great effect. My conquest…I mean date was taken back to one of her best childhood memories singing silly songs around the campfire during Girl Scout camping trips. What a perfect opportunity to pounce. I didn’t even have to experience a guilt-trip telling an adorable Girl Scout, “No, I don’t want any of your goddamn over-priced, but crazy addictive cookies. Now get off my property!” Read the rest of this entry »
November 6, 2012
Yes you will!
Cook To Bang is taking a day off from sexy talk to brandish you with self-indulgent politics aside. Forgive the latte liberal over here and vote. The US was founded on this inalienable right. The last four years were hard. It might seem that unfortunate circumstances are cock-blocking your future. Remember that out of tragedy comes opportunity. Innovation is the bastard child of inconvenience. So when bread goes stale, make CROUTONS. Burn the chicken and you got one awesome meal for the dog. If the condom breaks…never mind. Always trust your instincts, follow your heart and life will rewards you. And never ever skip out on the finer things in life, like COOKING AND BANGING. Read the rest of this entry »
July 28, 2011
One good dip deserves another!
Few desserts guarantee fornication like chocolate-dipped strawberries. You have the chocolate/strawberry APHRODISIAC element right off the bat. But there is so much more to this seductively simple dessert. These berries take champagne to places you usually experience behind closed doors. All the better for setting the stage for seduction. Be sure to follow the unwritten rule that you never stuff a chocolate-dipped strawberry in your own mouth. Let your date feed you and return the favor. Play your cards right and the berries will be the first of many things you put in your date’s moth. My first dance with chocolate-dipped strawberries took place in a hotel room with my college girlfriend at the time. I found it odd that her sorority sister was there too. But when the girls started feeding each other I knew this was my anniversary gift. I savored every last morsel of sweet satisfaction. The strawberries were also quite good. Read the rest of this entry »
November 17, 2010
Salivate or Salvation?
Just looking at pictures of this salad makes me salivate. Good god was this an orgasmic freaking salad. Everything in here screams healthy, happy and horny. You could run a goddamn marathon or at least have some killer marathon sex after eating a plate of this bad boy. My date didn’t know what to say when I served her this masterpiece. I’m pretty sure she said YUM! But it was hard to tell since her mouth was full of salad, shortly followed by my tongue. It’s pretty safe to say that anyone who throws together something this awesome will surely get laid, if not inducted into the COOK TO BANG hall of fame. Swing for the fences, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »
November 8, 2010
You jam straight I want to bang some more
So I admit freely that my knowledge of New Zealand is limited to the Lord of the Rings, Flight of the Conchords, and a family friend who renounced his Kiwi citizenship. None of this was going to help the fact that I brazenly invited a cute New Zealand girl I met randomly at a bowling alley bar over for dinner. She believed me when drunkenly I claimed that New Zealand cuisine had inspired my culinary palette. So the gauntlet was thrown down for me to WOW this hopefully kinky kiwi. All my research has turned up was in detail reports about the oppression of the Mauri people, which didn’t strike me as light dinner conversation. So I just bought a bag of kiwi fruit and winged it. After great debate with myself, and with timing running out before she showed up, I decided to make a jam of sorts. I served it with bread, Brie cheese and a New Zealand wine. This winning combination led to a winning combination of positions in the bedroom, invented by the same people that brought us bungee jumping. After that night I vowed never to never confuse Kiwi and Aussie girls again. They hate that. Read the rest of this entry »
September 24, 2010
This Bellini for me? Ain't you a pureed peach!
Most of us can’t claim to have a 100-foot yacht, 10 personal assistants, and our own private island. That privilege belongs to me. These lavish riches are made possible by blogging about cooking and banging in my drafty garage. Sorry, suckers. But fear not, for you can simulate this dilettante existence with a few simple adjustments: Cook with real potatoes rather than microwave tater tots you bought with food stamps; light your dining room table with candles instead of your Winnie the Pooh nightlight; make a classy drink from scratch rather than drink 3 bottles of Night Train in front of the Home Depot. Easy enough even if you don’t light your Cuban cigars with $100 bills like me. May I introduce this bubbly taste of class known to the civilized world as the Bellini? It’s like a Mimosa remix that keeps them coming back for seconds, thirds and their tenth glass. And what perfect timing with Valentines Day around the corner! Serve this with dessert or the morning after following a night of carnal consummation. You could also just pour it all over your naked body and invite your sweetie to lick you clean. Regardless, know that you are in fact a peach. Read the rest of this entry »