GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES

November 18, 2008

Vampire proof holiday comfort food

Vampire proof holiday comfort food

Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful.  Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal.  But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you.  Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion.  You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly.  This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City.  What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving?  You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey.  You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter.  Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season.  Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst.  Happy Holidays!

garlic-mash-potatoes-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon salt
2. 1 cup of buttermilk
3. 4 cloves of garlic chopped
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. ¼ stick of butter
6. 7 small red potatoes quartered

Step 1
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
garlic-mash-potatoes-saute2
Step 2
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils.  Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes.  Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden.  Drain the potatoes in a colander.
garlic-mash-potatoes-boil-taters-combo
Step 3
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes.  Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender.  Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.
garlic-mash-potatoes-puree

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GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES

November 17, 2008
Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies

Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies

Long before humans had microwave ovens and George Forman grills, we had fire: beautiful, enchanting, burning fire.  Vegetables grilled on an open flame make them fun again.  Why boil these bounties of the earth when you can bring the flavor out with fire and chutzpah?  And your date will no doubt be impressed by your mastery of the elements.  Short of a picky vegan, anybody can eat this fine dish and only a cold-hearted monster could say it sucks.  Your bland backyard barbecue has suddenly been legitimized, thus making you the savior, sort of like Jesus, but tastier.  Be sure to mention that to your conservative date who hasn’t removed their chastity belt yet.  Blaspheme and grilled veggies are sure to win them over.  If that doesn’t work, just use reverse psychology asking What Would Jesus Not Do?  Amen.

grilled-veggies-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 red bell pepper sliced into long thin strips
4. 1 small eggplant cut into large bite size chunks
5. 1 large portabella mushrooms sliced into long thin strips
6. 1 onion sliced into long thin strips
7. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese

Step 1
Place all the chopped veggies into tin foil and pour olive oil over them.  Cover the oil-doused veggies with a top tinfoil layer and place in the grill on medium heat.  Cook in foil until the veggies soften, then put them directly on the fire until they char slightly.
grilled-veggies-oil-foil
Step 2
Remove the veggies from the grill.  Place them in a pan and drop the goat cheese on top.  Pour the balsamic vinegar over the veggies/goat cheese and mix up thoroughly.  Serve on a plate with your main course, a grilled halibut or turkey burger perhaps.  Just know in your heart that you are a culinary super star and the evening should progress nicely.
grilled-veggies-goat-cheese-balsamic

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TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETS

November 12, 2008

Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

“Thar she blows!” the pirate screamed out the window of the brothel.  The wharf town residents were unaware the mangy marauder was not talking about impregnating a strumpet’s mouth.  Rather he was commenting on the fine tuna melt the brothel’s madam prepared from him from the tuna he caught off the bow of his dingy.  A fresh tuna melt can indeed take the ordinary sandwich and make it something worthy of jumping ship.  This recipe is quick, delicious, but far from fat free.  It is comfort food on a higher level and she should be treated accordingly.  A gourmet tuna melt works great when you want your game to seem like a coincidence.  The appropriate attitude is, “Hey, I throw masterpieces like this together with my eyes closed.  It wouldn’t be fair if I actually tried to impress you.  Then you’d never leave!”  Should this recipe not cause your date melt into the sheets, COOK  TO BANG will refund your money back. Oh wait, this site is free.  Nevermind.  Do you take Monopoly money?

tuna-melt-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. 2 albacore tuna steaks
2. ½ a lemon
3. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
4. 2 slices of bread
5. 4-10 slices of tomatoes
6. 2 slices of cheddar cheese
7. ½ a sliced avocado

Step 1
Sear the tuna steaks and squeeze the lemon over them.  Add pepper for extra flavor.  Depending on fresh quality of tuna, you can sear it rare or pink.  On a bare bones budget you can substitute a can of tuna, which won’t be half as good or impressive.
tuna-melt-fish-cook
Step 2
Coarsely chop the seared tuna steaks and throw into a bowl.  Add the mayonnaise and mix together thoroughly.  For an additional kick, throw in some fresh dill or tarragon.
tuna-melt-mix-fish
Step 3
Spread the tuna mixture evenly over the bread.  Place the tomatoes evenly out and crown it with slices of cheddar cheese.tuna-melt-bread-cheese

Step 4
Broil the open-faced sandwiches until the cheddar cheese is good and melty.  Add slices of avocado over the melted cheese and cut each sandwich in half.  Serve on a plate with a salad, French fries or a condom.
tuna-melt-post-broil-avocado1


ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN

October 23, 2008
Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served

Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served

Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli.  But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk.  This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious?  It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicka-wa-wa!

Roasted Chicken Rub Down prep

Roasted Chicken Rub Down prep

Ingredients:

1. 1 Whole chicken hollow and defrosted
2. 1 whole onion chopped
3. 2 tablespoons of achiote seasoning
4. 1 handful of plucked rosemary
5. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
6. 8 small potatoes, sliced into bite sized pieces
7. 2 tablespoons of olive oil

Chicken, rubbed and stuffed.

Chicken, rubbed and stuffed.

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Stuff the chicken with the chopped onion and rub the achiote into the chicken skin, leaving a few clumps on top.

drizzle and dazzle

drizzle and dazzle

Step 2
Place the potatoes all around the chicken in the baking pan.  Place the garlic slices and rosemary evenly over the chicken and potatoes.  Drizzle the chicken with olive oil.

Chicken good to go

Chicken good to go

Step 3
Throw the chicken in the oven and roast for 1-1½ hours, occasionally flipping the potatoes so they smother in the juices on the pan’s bottom.  To make sure the bird is ready to please and not cause disease, slice into the leg or breast and make sure it’s cooked all the way through (as in not pink, dumb ass).

Step 4
Carve off sections of the bird whether they be thigh and leg (if you’re an ass man) or breast and wing (you get the point).  Serve up with the potatoes and some of the onions roasted inside the bird.  If your date doesn’t appreciate this, kick their ass out…stat!

Variations:
•    Squeeze a lemon over the chicken half way through roast for more tang
•    Add maple syrup for a sweeter taste
•    Stuff breadcrumbs into the chicken if you’re a carb lover