SENORITA LUPITA’S CACTUS FAJITAS

March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest.  It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote.  No, mi amigos.  Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert.  It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors.  But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious.  I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita.  She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch.  My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite.  The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing.  Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas.  This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!

cactus-fajitas-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
2. SALSA
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)

Step 1
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes).  Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
cactus-fajitas-chicken
Step 2
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips.  Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning.  Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes).  Set aide.
cactus-fajitas-veggies
Step 3
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take.  This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable.  With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
cactus-fajitas-assemblecactus-fajitas-served-2

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CHIPPENDALE TUNA PASTA

February 24, 2016
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chipenndale you are!

Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!

Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs.  That’s the Chippendale way.  Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time.  Make the married ladies scream.  Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes.  Win win.  That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about.  Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire.  I hope you have your dance revue choreographed.  Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST!  Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

tuna bowtie pasta prepIngredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely

Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain.  While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
tuna bowtie pasta noodles
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat.  Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire.  Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it.  Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min).  Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
tuna bowtie pasta saucetuna bowtie pasta served

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ROASTED RED PEEPING TOM-ATO SOUP

February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Some of my best friends are peeping toms.  Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed.  But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show?  Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad.  Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers.  I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience.  This soup is like that.  Roasting takes a dedication.  Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later?  I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back.  Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting.  “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.  Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl.  Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes).  Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes).  Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl.  Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes.  Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-roast
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat.  Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-cook
Step 3
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes).  Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment.  You’re terrific.

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-simmer-puree

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TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


CASHEW MONEY CHICKEN

January 9, 2016

Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews

Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.

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SMACK MY BISQUE UP

December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud!

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PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

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