This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich. It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring. It can’t help flirting with everyone its path. This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits. That is the power of said sandwich. The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before. You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all. It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs. I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second. Amen! Read the rest of this entry »
The Thanksgiving is hangover on now. You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track. At least the turkey was good, right? Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone. Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming. If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest. The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots. Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid. Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach. Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy. The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving. If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place. This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor. Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes. Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).
Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet. Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener. The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right. My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all). The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef. The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order. I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25. The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration. This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »
In the immortal words of lady hip hop divas TLC, “I ain’t too proud to beg!” Good to know. Because that is the attitude you should inspire in your dates. The most effective way to do that is to blow their goddamn minds with mind-blowing nibbles. Between good eats and being a great lay, you will brainwash them. They will be begging you for another taste. It’s like a harem full of opium addicts. Only your fix will give them the satisfaction they require. Wrap it up tight in meaty goodness. Read the rest of this entry »
Behold these sexy balls o’ mine! Why are you acting so shocked? My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble. Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight. I understand. I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation. Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence. The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights. You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging. You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings. I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go. Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min). Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min). Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min). Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce. Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.
“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village. Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes. You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off. They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy. This is the power of great Italian food. The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently? You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar. Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm. There is really no point. Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food. This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night. COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”
Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired
Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced
Turn the stove on to medium heat. Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent. Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey. Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly. Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick. If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken. Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine. Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful. Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal. But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you. Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion. You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly. This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City. What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving? You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey. You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter. Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season. Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst. Happy Holidays!
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils. Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden. Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes. Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender. Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.