March 30, 2016
![bruschetta drop served 2 You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/bruschetta-drop-served-2.jpg?w=450)
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
![bruschetta bread bruschetta bread](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/bruschetta-bread.jpg?w=450)
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
![bruschetta spread bruschetta spread](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/bruschetta-spread.jpg?w=450)
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
![bruschetta drop sprinkle bruschetta drop sprinkle](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/bruschetta-drop-sprinkle.jpg?w=450)
![bruschetta drop served bruschetta drop served](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/bruschetta-drop-served.jpg?w=450)
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Artichoke bruschetta recipe, artichoke hearts, balsamic vinegar, bang, basil, bruschetta recipe, cheese, cracked pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, libido, light fare, Mediterranean, Mediterranean diet, naked, olive oil, parmesan, party, recipe, red onion, refreshing, salt, seduce, sex, simple, snack, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, veggies, yummy |
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Posted by cooktobang
February 3, 2016
![butternut-soup-served1 Bust a nut with some butternut](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/butternut-soup-served1.jpg?w=450&h=288)
Bust a nut with some butternut
“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more. Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm. Damn this soup hits the spot every time.” This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime. The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family. It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal. There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef. This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels. One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again. Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all. Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »
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HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, butternut, Butternut squash soup, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, hot, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, leftovers, naked, post-coital, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spice, squash, vegan, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, warm, warming, winter, yummy |
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Posted by cooktobang
January 4, 2016
I challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening. What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat. Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you. The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television. Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians. My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »
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healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, crack cocaine, crackpot, delicious, DIY, easy, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, Hilton, Hogan, homemade, inhale the kale recipe, intercourse, kale, kardashian, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, ninny, nutritious, orgasm, reality television, recipe, roughage, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, steamed, steamed sesame kale recipe, tasty, veggies, yummy |
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September 7, 2015
![chinese eggplant served](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/chinese-eggplant-served.jpg?w=450&h=299)
Eggplant No Pants, Eggplant No Pants, Eggplant NO PANTS!
Who lives in garden and bangs veggies?
Eggplant No Pants!
Delicious and decadent and devious is he.
Eggplant No Pants!
If food orgy mayhem is somethin’ ya wish
Eggplant No Pants!
Then load the aphrodisiacs into this dish.
Eggplant No Pants!
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APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cartoon, china, Chinese, Chinese eggplant recipe, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant no-pants, family friendly, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, nickelodeon, oyster sauce, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chili, sex, sex appeal, soy sauce, spasmodic, spicy, spongebob squarepants, sumptuous, tasty, toon, vegetable oil, veggies, yummy |
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June 17, 2015
![bbq chop chicken salad served BBW...Big Beautiful Women...Brash Bold Wicked](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/bbq-chop-chicken-salad-served.jpg?w=450)
BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked
This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there. I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”. So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality. It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way. The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening. But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy. Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock. This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, barbecue chop chicken salad, bbq chop chicken salad recipe, bbq sauce, bbw, BBW BBQ Chop Chicken Salad recipe, big beautiful women, black beans, breast, calorically-challenged, chicken, cilantro, corn, creamy, delicious, DIY, dreamy, dressing, easy, fiber, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, great personality, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, ranch dressing, recipe, romaine, roughage, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, tortilla chips, toss my salad, tossed salad, veggies, yummy |
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December 7, 2009
![ketchup spaghetti served](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/ketchup-spaghetti-served1.jpg?w=450)
It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue. There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together. A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do. In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry. This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred. A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force. I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly
Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil. Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min). Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min). Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.
![ketchup spaghetti sauce](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/ketchup-spaghetti-sauce.jpg?w=450)
Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly. Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.
![ketchup spaghetti pasta toss](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/ketchup-spaghetti-pasta-toss.jpg?w=450)
Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.
![ketchup spaghetti served 2](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/ketchup-spaghetti-served-2.jpg?w=450)
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bail, bang, bang-de-force, banging, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, catch up sex, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, erotic research, ex, fast, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet ketchup spaghetti recipe, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, ketchup, ketchup sex pasta, kitchen, libido, misty watercolor memories, naked, noodles, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti, tasty, vegetarian, veggies, white trash, yummy |
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September 21, 2009
![fig sinwich served 2 Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fig-sinwich-served-2.jpg?w=450)
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
![fig sinwich assmeble fig sinwich assmeble](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fig-sinwich-assmeble.jpg?w=450)
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
![fig sinwich served fig sinwich served](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fig-sinwich-served.jpg?w=450)
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy |
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August 4, 2009
![squash casserole served Squish squash, let's get sauced!](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/squash-casserole-served.jpg?w=450)
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
![squash casserole assemble squash casserole assemble](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/squash-casserole-assemble.jpg?w=450)
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
![squash casserole bake squash casserole bake](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/squash-casserole-bake.jpg?w=450)
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healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy |
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July 28, 2009
![shrimp asparagus salad served 2 Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shrimp-asparagus-salad-served-2.jpg?w=450)
Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp
First off, my apologies for yesterdays post. I think I ate the brown acid again. As penance, please accept this kick ass salad that is scrumptious, packed with protein and an aphrodisiac quadruple threat. This dish will not disappoint in the pimping department. All those flavors will be out working the corner for you, luring johns and janes in for a little cat scratch fever. Once they get a taste, they will be customers for life…or until you kick their ass to the curb in favor of a better paying/looking clientele. Always remember that a good pimp is a kind pimp. No need to rough up the goods by tossing that salad too hard. A couple good shakes will put the flavor hos in line to do your bidding. Now get out there and get that money, honey!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $17
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 small handful jack cheese
6. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
7. ½ lb ASPARAGUS spears
8. 1 small handful BASIL chopped finely
9. 1 small handful parsley chopped finely
10. ½ lemon
11.½ lb cook SHRIMP, tails removed
12. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
Step 1
Cut the stems off the asparagus spears and blanch them in a thin layer of water (approx 5 min). Chop the asparagus in half.
![shrimp asparagus salad steam chop shrimp asparagus salad steam chop](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shrimp-asparagus-salad-steam-chop.jpg?w=450)
Step 2
While the asparagus blanches, create the dressing by combining the basil, parsley, cayenne pepper, salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil.
![shrimp asparagus salad dressing shrimp asparagus salad dressing](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shrimp-asparagus-salad-dressing.jpg?w=450)
Step 3
Toss the red bell pepper, shrimp, asparagus, dressing and lemon. Allow it to marinate in the fridge (approx 20 min).
![shrimp asparagus salad toss shrimp asparagus salad toss](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shrimp-asparagus-salad-toss.jpg?w=450)
Step 4
Place half the spinach on each plate and crown with jack cheese. Drain the dressing from the shrimp and veggies and split up the goods.
![shrimp asparagus salad assemble shrimp asparagus salad assemble](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shrimp-asparagus-salad-assemble.jpg?w=450)
Serve as perfect lunch salad or follow it up with something meaty like ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN.
![shrimp asparagus salad served shrimp asparagus salad served](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shrimp-asparagus-salad-served1.jpg?w=450)
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, bang, banging, basil, brown acid, cat scratch fever, cayenne pepper, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hos, intercourse, jack cheese, janes, johns, kitchen, lemon, libido, low-carb, naked, olive oil, parsley, penance, pimp, pimp that shrimpy ass-paragus recipe, prostitutes, protein, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, roughage, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp asparagus salad recipe, spinach, tasty, toss your salad, veggies, whores, yummy |
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March 11, 2009
![frisky-fried-rice-served Sometime you just get lucky](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/frisky-fried-rice-served.jpg?w=450)
Sometime you just get lucky
Desperation leads to innovation. That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish. I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish. But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen. I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper. But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!” So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly. There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment. This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most. My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air. Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth. The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever. It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*
*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine. Save that for the hillbillies.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds
Step 1
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water. Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions). Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
![frisky-fried-rice-boil1 frisky-fried-rice-boil1](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/frisky-fried-rice-boil1.jpg?w=450)
Step 2
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces. Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
![frisky-fried-rice-veggies frisky-fried-rice-veggies](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/frisky-fried-rice-veggies.jpg?w=450)
Step 3
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up. Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice. Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce. Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.
![frisky-fried-rice-mix-egg-sauce frisky-fried-rice-mix-egg-sauce](https://cooktobang.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/frisky-fried-rice-mix-egg-sauce.jpg?w=450)
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carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, Chinese, costa rican, fusion, RECIPES | Tagged: almonds, bang, bonita, carbohydrates, carbs, carrot, cheap, delicious, desperation, DIY, easy, egg, fast, fried rice recipe, Frisky, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, gumption, hillbillies, homemade, innovation, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, lizano, naked, olive oil, onion, random, raw, recipe, salsa, seasoning, seduce, sex, starch, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, veggies, white rice, yummy |
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