GRILL BEN DOVER’S SOLE

September 4, 2015

Order in the court!  Allow me to retort...

Order in the court! Allow me to retort...

That Ben Dover better bend over for what he’s done.  Corporal punishment is the only fitting penance for the food slurs he committed.  He tarnished his soul with this Dover sole.  The bastard though that he could make a fish marinade out of blueberries, New Mexico chilies and coconut milk.  Ha!  How could a strange commingling of flavors like that taste anything but weird?  Clearly he must know the consequences of his reckless cooking.  Granted, I haven’t tasted his culinary cancer, but it has to be awful.  Right?  Fine, if you insist I don’t try him in the kangaroo court I call my garage, I will try a bite.  <takes bite, chews> You see!  It’s guilt…glorious!  <touching self> The delicate blueberry taste dances with the New Mexico chili wolves and cools down with a river of soothing coconut milk.  <does cartwheel> I hereby dismiss this case.   Ben Dover deserves a commendation for his culinary bravery.  Ladies of the court, please try a bite of this food pioneer’s masterpiece and meet me in the judge’s chambers! Read the rest of this entry »


FABLED MAPLE SALMON

July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.

The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.

Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power.  This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic.  I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath.  My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds.  So far so good.  I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over.  Good girls!  The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell.  Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you.  Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLED THRILLS BROCCOLI

July 17, 2015

The broc shall defrock!

This recipe comes courtesy of James in Portland, OR. Here’s to starting off the summer right with a unique summer grill recipe! James writes:

Something about those summer thrills gives me the chills. Sure you’re sweating your balls off and stuffing your face with something hot. But this recipe is so damn cool it makes you feel all refreshed because it’s still healthy and damn tasty! My mama always told me broccoli would make me live forever. Who know if that is true? One thing I can say with certainty, I’m gonna Cook To Bang forever! Read the rest of this entry »


IMPALE ‘EM WITH YOUR SWORDFISH

July 10, 2015
Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Alas, there is no escaping your fate.  We shall duel at dawn’s first light. You wrote your destiny when you insulted my honor.  By not partaking in the fine FINGER FOOD I prepared, nor acquiescing to my subtle seductions, I am forced to take things a might bit further.  So I have upped the ante of our rendezvous with an unstoppable thrust of nature.  This wicked weapon will pierce thy heart and expose thy loins.  There is nothing thou can do to hold me back from my urge for triumphant trolloping.  And to think my foes presume this dish to be anything but simple sensational seduction. En garde, I say! Read the rest of this entry »


TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

June 26, 2015
Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2.  Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food.  This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors.  The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening.  That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage.  For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time.  Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior.  “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!” Read the rest of this entry »


ME-NUDE-OH! SHRIMP

June 19, 2015
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO?  You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s.  This is truly unfortunate.  You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment.  Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix.  This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish.  Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture.  Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare.  You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes.  I have faith in you.  So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLED SEXTARINES

June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »


SPANK MY HALIBUT

June 5, 2015
Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Welcome to the big time, my friends.  This dish is intended for someone rather special because halibut ain’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare.  But you can’t put a price on edible orgasms, at least not legally outside of Amsterdam.  Your date will be so impressed by this outstanding piece of seafood that you will need a crowbar to pry them off of you.  If they are not thoroughly blown away by your cooking prowess than they are most likely a cyborg from the future sent to kill you before you sire the rebel leader a la John Connor.  This is actually a great litmus test that could very well save humanity.  But I digress.  The point is this dish will set your date’s mouth and loins ablaze with passion.  The first time I prepared this dish, I received countless e-mails from my date’s friends who I did not know asking me for the recipe. Only a fool would simply hand over a recipe (case in point).  Instead I offered the cute ones private tutorials.  To the Alaskan halibut fisherman, I owe you a beer or ten! Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN

May 25, 2015
“Man love fire.  Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

“Man love fire. Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

The summer is upon us.  The snow and ice has melted. So has the clothing of your tempting targets.  Quit your bellyaching about cold streaks and grill up some hot steaks.  No more hibernating!  Put away the parkas and pull out your favorite fur loincloth. Dust off the BBQ and start grilling.  Calling all caveman!

Tap into your primitive side. You don’t need to bother with three-course meals. The smell of fire charring meat should suffice.  Grrrrrr!  Make like you’re strangling a Velociraptor and make some dino-kebabs.  Effort should be minimal so long as you pull it off with panache. Cooking to Bang in the summertime has never been more basic.

So visit the butcher, your fish monger, your hippie veggie/weed dealer.  Grab the goods and get with the grillin’.  A little charcoal, some lighter fluid and you got fire.  Try some of this fuego-fueled fare on for size, you caveman you! Read the rest of this entry »