ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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BUST-A-NUT SQUASH SOUP

February 3, 2016
Bust a nut with some butternut

Bust a nut with some butternut

“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more.  Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm.  Damn this soup hits the spot every time.”  This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime.  The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family.  It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal.  There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef.  This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels.  One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again.  Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all.  Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »


EDAMAME’S BOY

January 25, 2016

Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!

 

I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »


PANTY PLUNDER CUCUMBER SALAD

January 20, 2016

X marks the G-spot

Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!

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GIFT TO BANG #1 – RADICALLY ROASTED PEPPERS

December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor.  The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged.  Your lovers are no exception.  The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster.  Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?”  But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year.  You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money.  Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle.  That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are.   Making some transportable food sends just the right message.  You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”

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MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES

December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way.  Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down.  So many good things come in threes.  Comedy gold is done in trifecta.  My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party.  Clearly three is company and never a crowd.  And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats?  These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu.  A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »


GRAB ASS GRAPEFRUIT SALAD

December 9, 2015
Grab ass graciously.

Grab ass graciously.

How about a little game of grab ass?  With an ass that fine I imagine you’ll be doing a shit ton of grabbing.  But how do you grab a handful of cheek without coming off like a perv?  First off, you shouldn’t care if they assume you’re perv.  The Cook To Bang readership is all pervs and I love you all for your debauchery.  But in the effort to maintain a non-creepy mystique, here’s my suggestion: serve this salad.  Then blame the grapefruit.  All that vitamin C is going straight to your head and making you perform irrationally. Taking a firm hold of their bum is the only natural reaction one could expect with all those healthy ingredients.  Chances are that your date will be just as randy since they too indulged.  So go with it and grab ass! Read the rest of this entry »