BUST-A-NUT SQUASH SOUP

February 3, 2016
Bust a nut with some butternut

Bust a nut with some butternut

“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more.  Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm.  Damn this soup hits the spot every time.”  This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime.  The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family.  It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal.  There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef.  This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels.  One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again.  Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all.  Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »


TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN

January 8, 2016
Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served

Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served

Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli.  But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk.  This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious?  It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicken-wa-wa! Read the rest of this entry »


LEEK MY TATER SOUP

November 11, 2015
Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup

Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup

Nothing can top a good leeking.  Pull your mind out of the gutter because I speak only of soup and soup-related matters.  And on the subject of soup, you can’t really beat hot liquid love.  No, siree!  This soup almost makes you wish the winter would drag on.  To those snowed in with cabin fever, I said ALMOST.    After hauling your ass in from the brutal bitch slap of old man winter you want something hearty to bro-hug you back to life.  Lucky for you, potatoes and leeks keep quite well until the bitter end of frost.  So do us all a favor and put the gun down and pick up a knife…to cut some veggies.  We have abstained from using heavy, fattening cream in the hope that you don’t abstain from banging afterwards.  As comforting and gratifying as this healthy, homemade soup is, there is no substitute for a warm body to touch inappropriately.  So let one lead into the other.  This recipe was brought to you by the International Association of Soup Groups. Read the rest of this entry »


WHORE-TILLA SOUP

September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla

You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla

Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out?  This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain.  Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert.  And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net.  I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach.  That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you.  It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance.  That is exactly how you should operate.  Get in under the radar and then turn your date out.  Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore.  Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »


BUTTER-MY-NUTS SQUASH SOUP

October 3, 2014

Butterball butternut bust-a-nut

Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »


POLENTA THEIR PANTS OFF

April 7, 2014
Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on.  That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line.  Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong.  In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy.  Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated.  Just accept the compliment and go with it.  Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you.  Don’t fret.  The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery.  I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex.  And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »