“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more. Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm. Damn this soup hits the spot every time.” This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime. The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family. It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal. There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef. This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels. One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again. Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all. Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »
Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s. Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference. Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra. 17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.” The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm. So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing. Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn. I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise. Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »
Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli. But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk. This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious? It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicken-wa-wa! Read the rest of this entry »
Nothing can top a good leeking. Pull your mind out of the gutter because I speak only of soup and soup-related matters. And on the subject of soup, you can’t really beat hot liquid love. No, siree! This soup almost makes you wish the winter would drag on. To those snowed in with cabin fever, I said ALMOST. After hauling your ass in from the brutal bitch slap of old man winter you want something hearty to bro-hug you back to life. Lucky for you, potatoes and leeks keep quite well until the bitter end of frost. So do us all a favor and put the gun down and pick up a knife…to cut some veggies. We have abstained from using heavy, fattening cream in the hope that you don’t abstain from banging afterwards. As comforting and gratifying as this healthy, homemade soup is, there is no substitute for a warm body to touch inappropriately. So let one lead into the other. This recipe was brought to you by the International Association of Soup Groups. Read the rest of this entry »
Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out? This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain. Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert. And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net. I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach. That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you. It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance. That is exactly how you should operate. Get in under the radar and then turn your date out. Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore. Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »
Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »
Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on. That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line. Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong. In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy. Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated. Just accept the compliment and go with it. Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you. Don’t fret. The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery. I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex. And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »
This sleepover is going to be so much fun! Pillow fights, girl talk, pranks calls. Wait! You mean YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER is just a sexy name for a noodle dish? Boy am I embarrassed. But I’m not too embarrassed to tell you about my take on this classic Japanese street food. Yakisoba is found all over Japan served at festivals and consumed en masse by the military. The ramen us poor folk know and love originated from this classic. Now is your chance to bring the gourmet back into this metropolitan street food. This dish is fast, easy and cheap. No wonder it’s served on noodle carts outside of subways. But your date doesn’t need to know that. Be sure to make a grand deal out of this classy culinary creation as if you learned the recipe from a monk on top of mount Fuji. Perhaps the knowledge on how to conjure up this ethereal edible rests only with you. You are the chosen one and your date will no doubt recognize this when they take their first bite. Sounds like the sleepover is back on thanks to the flavor explosion and ginger aphrodisiac. Domo arrigato! Read the rest of this entry »
This main dish is meant for your main squeeze. Don’t prepare this outstanding entrée for one of your breezies on the side. The effort and effect are not worth it unless you want them to get hooked on you. It goes back to the essence of the Cook To Bang philosophy. Eat amazing food; have amazing sex. This hearty dish is perfect for a winter evening in. Why would you go out when you have the two essentials for a perfect night of carnal lust and consumption? At least that’s what I discovered when I laid this culinary mack down on a girl I’m seeing. She hasn’t stopped calling, texting, sexting, and facebooking since. Homegirl is officially addicted…to me. Ever since, I’ve been getting stuffed and busting nuts all over the place. Use this dish cautiously, unless you are eager to build your own harem.
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 butternut squash
4. 2 dashes black pepper
5. 3 dashes sea salt
6. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
7. 1 pear
8. 2 large carrots
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 lime wedge
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Slice the squash lengthwise and scoop out the guts, leaving a nice cavity. Rub olive oil into each half, and then salt and pepper them and roast until the squash meat is soft (approx 30 min).
While the squash roasts, cube the chicken and marinate in limejuice, cayenne pepper, and sea salt (approx 10 min).
Peel the carrots and chop into bite-sized pieces. Slice the pears thinly. SautÈ the carrots and pears until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the chicken and sautÈ thoroughly.
Finally scoop the sautÈed chicken and veggies into the cavities of the squash (once soft) and throw back in the oven and roast until it’s all heated through (approx 5 min). Crown each with green onions and serve.
This ENTRÉE kills it on it’s own, but a simple SALAD could shoot your date’s lust into the stratosphere.
Using your fingers is often the only way to go. No time for squeamishness when it comes to cooking to bang. Just spread them fingers wide and dive right in. Remember that your date will thank you after for your keen attention to details. Their oral pleasure zone isn’t going to satisfy itself. Fingerling potatoes are coming back in a big way. Some famous chef somewhere some how said something like, “Fingerling potatoes are now and very much it.” Just think how cool you will appear serving up a sensational side with the hottest carb in town. The fact that they resemble human fingers that you will be using to entice and engorge later is the popped cherry on top. So fingerbang away!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash sea salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 dash thyme
6. 1/2 lemon
7. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
8. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lb fingerling potatoes
Spread the marinated fingerlings on a small baking pan, laying the flat ends down. Bake the potatoes until they brown and can be forked easily with a fork (approx 25min), flipping halfway through cooking. Toss the roasted potatoes in the balsamic vinegar and serve.
Serve these fine carbs up with any number of meaty ENTRÉES.