LICK HER POTSTICKER SOUP

March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Apply your whole tongue.  Don’t be shy now.  You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming.  How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea.  For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.

random thai soup prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)

*available at Asian markets

Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min).  Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.random thai soup boil

Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
random thai soup coconut herbs lime
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
random thai soup served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


ROASTED RED PEEPING TOM-ATO SOUP

February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Some of my best friends are peeping toms.  Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed.  But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show?  Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad.  Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers.  I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience.  This soup is like that.  Roasting takes a dedication.  Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later?  I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back.  Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting.  “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.  Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl.  Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes).  Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes).  Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl.  Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes.  Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-roast
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat.  Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-cook
Step 3
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes).  Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment.  You’re terrific.

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-simmer-puree

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


BUST-A-NUT SQUASH SOUP

February 3, 2016
Bust a nut with some butternut

Bust a nut with some butternut

“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more.  Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm.  Damn this soup hits the spot every time.”  This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime.  The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family.  It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal.  There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef.  This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels.  One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again.  Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all.  Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »


TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


ROCKS OFF DETOX BROCCOLI SOUP

January 1, 2016
Detox so you can always get your rocks off

Detox so you can always get your rocks off

Cooking to Bang can often lead to some nasty habits like drinking, fornicating and eating after midnight.  Some scientists claim that indulging your every whim can be harmful to your health. Bully to that.  But just in case you are seek a cleansing, Cook To Bang has something silky smooth for the sinner in all of us.  Think of this soup as an elixir that can grant you eternal innocence.  Every unspeakable carnal act you performed in the heat of the moment shall be absolved by the soup’s all-forgiving nutrients.  Allow the garlic and cayenne pepper to clear your sinuses and conscience.  The broccoli and cauliflower will mainline you with calcium and scoop out cancer-causing gunk holding your prowess back.  Lastly the lemon will wash away the sins leaving your body and soul shiny like it went through the car wash.  You’re good to go.  Have fun abusing yourself and we’ll see you again soon.  Next! Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK MY BISQUE UP

December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud!

Read the rest of this entry »


PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

AddThis Social Bookmark Button