JAMBALAYA DOWN WITH ME

September 25, 2015

Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!

Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »


SAUSAGE PARTY SINWICH

August 24, 2015
sausage n peppers served 2

Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room!  A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth.  There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut.  But don’t fear it.  Taste it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food.  Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening.  Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date.  Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game?  Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER FLAKE CRAB CAKES

May 1, 2015

Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?

My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks.  This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl.  So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer?  Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal.  Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first.  But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind.  Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy.  There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »


PUMPKIN SEEDS OF SEDUCTION

December 5, 2014

Reap the harvest you sow in your date’s loins!

Or was that destruction?  These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated.  Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling.  What a perfect use for ingredients most folks toss away with less concern than for a used condom.  Tis unfortunate because pumpkin seeds can provide a great nibble while you whip up the rest of your feast.  That way you won’t leave your culinary conquest chomping at the bit.  They will be satisfied from the get go with your amazing kitchen feats.  So long as you follow them up with a little razzle-dazzle on a plate, you will have succeeded at planting the seeds of seduction that will sprout from their mouth all the way down to their loins. Read the rest of this entry »


OYSTERS BANG-A-FELLER

August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller.  Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special.  All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged.  So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power.  The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium.  Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »


BLACKENED HEART CATFISH

May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black.  At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said.  Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior.  Who knew?  I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors.  Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself?  This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »


QUICKIE FISHY SINWICH

December 1, 2010
That's the musty smell of a quickie, not the fishy scent of the sandwich.

That's the musty smell of a quickie, not the fishy scent of the sandwich.

Who says quickies can’t be romantic, satisfying and straight up sexy?  Clearly these pantywaists have never gone home on a lunch break to bang like a jackhammer fast, furious and effective.  Those who do know relish that all-too-familiar feeling of awesomeness when you get back to the office, grinning ear to ear.  Your coworkers will assume that you ate a great sandwich, which is technically true.  The fact that you made sandwiches between the sheets is beside the point.  Between driving home, banging like a thoroughbred and then driving back to work, time to eat is limited.  Lucky for you there are fast, simple, refreshing meals like this sandwich to recharge your battery for the long afternoon that lies ahead.  Plus you are putting leftovers from last night to work.  Pat yourself on the back for being so resourceful. You are an inspiration to us all! Read the rest of this entry »