April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.
The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience. Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests. Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland. You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s). Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go. Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note. Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going. Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick. Cheeky, cheap and cheesy! You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)
Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F. Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.
Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact. Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes). Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes). Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes). Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!
The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor. The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged. Your lovers are no exception. The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster. Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?” But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year. You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle. That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are. Making some transportable food sends just the right message. You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”
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October 26, 2015
Wango Tango Bango!
The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity. Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires. The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache. You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom. Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled. But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this. Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra. So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food. Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom. Bravo! Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »
January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!
There are a lot of slutty fish out there. The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse. But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi. Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake. Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish. I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up. To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.” Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm. Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again. Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones. The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something. But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine. Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3. Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »
April 12, 2013
You made these fries for me? You’re totally sweet!
Dude! Did you see that ollie Mctwist I pulled over the rails? Totally sweet! Did you see how I walked right up to that blonde and got her number? Totally sweet! Did I mention I was able to Cook To Bang? Totally sweet! Did I tell you what I cooked to seal the deal? Totally Sweet Potato Fries! These oven-baked fries are seasoned to perfection and make a totally sweet starter, side dish or post-coital snack. The only thing you have to figure out which someone is worthy of making this stupid-easy dish for. Hmm… Read the rest of this entry »
November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!
Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on? The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will. Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view. Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it. You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage. I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging). It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel. If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first. So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »
November 17, 2010
Salivate or Salvation?
Just looking at pictures of this salad makes me salivate. Good god was this an orgasmic freaking salad. Everything in here screams healthy, happy and horny. You could run a goddamn marathon or at least have some killer marathon sex after eating a plate of this bad boy. My date didn’t know what to say when I served her this masterpiece. I’m pretty sure she said YUM! But it was hard to tell since her mouth was full of salad, shortly followed by my tongue. It’s pretty safe to say that anyone who throws together something this awesome will surely get laid, if not inducted into the COOK TO BANG hall of fame. Swing for the fences, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »
August 27, 2009
Cook To Bang is coming at you with the breakfast re-re-re-re-re-remix!
A good COOK TO BANG groove deserves to be remixed. In the age of recycling chic, why wouldn’t you turn one outstanding meal into another equally memorable meal? Think of this thriftiness the way you would an old lover who used to be an overweight hippie harlot and now is a svelte yummy yuppie. Sure there is some familiarity when you bang them again, but for the most part it’s like banging someone completely fresh and new. Salad is like a condom; it doesn’t keep long after it’s been opened. So you need to be fast with reconfiguring the leftovers before they become a pathetic pile of wilted goop. Breakfast seems the most appropriate and expedited opportunity for you to bring leftover salad back to life like Frankenstein’s monster. Mix it up with bagel, eggs and sauce and IT’S ALIVE!!!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp of Pindjur (Turkish roasted red pepper spread)
2. 1 tbsp olive oil
3. Leftover salad
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 dash pepper
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 bagel
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely
Beat the eggs with salt and pepper.
Sauté the onion with olive oil. Pick all the goodies from your salad (e.g. tomatoes, olives, radish, etc.) and sauté them as well. Pour in the egg mixture and scramble your little heart out.
Cut the bagel in ½ and toast. Scoop the Pindjur on the bagel, scoop on some scrambled eggs and throw the lettuce from the salad on top.
Serve up this breakfast salad sandwich in bed to your good morning companion.
May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!
Behold these sexy balls o’ mine! Why are you acting so shocked? My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble. Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight. I understand. I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation. Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence. The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights. You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging. You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings. I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go. Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min). Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min). Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min). Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce. Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.