February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!
Some of my best friends are peeping toms. Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed. But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show? Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad. Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers. I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience. This soup is like that. Roasting takes a dedication. Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later? I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back. Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting. “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl. Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes). Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes). Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl. Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes. Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat. Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes). Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment. You’re terrific.
May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!
Holy shit, bra! Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo? I mean like wow, man! Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off. At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius. They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo. I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day. They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart. Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »
March 23, 2015
Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis
Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?
Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan
I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!
Read the rest of this entry »
January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!
There are a lot of slutty fish out there. The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse. But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi. Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake. Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish. I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up. To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.” Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm. Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again. Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones. The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something. But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine. Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3. Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »