PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

February 15, 2016

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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VALENTINES DOOMSDAY

February 14, 2016
Taste the love!

Taste the love!

The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.

But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.

All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:

“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PORTOBELLO BORDELLO
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES

“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!
LET’S BANG S’MORE

“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER

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ROGER HER VODKA PENNE

September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes.  This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare.  The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto.  Lucky you.  Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country.  The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch?  Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »


NAUGHTY MAHI

January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

There are a lot of slutty fish out there.  The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse.  But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi.  Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake.  Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish.  I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up.  To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.”  Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm.  Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again.  Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones.  The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something.  But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine.  Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3.  Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »


DON’T MAKE ME BAGEL PIZZA

October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

You should know better than to beg.  There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy.  When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg.  It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm.  Groveling doesn’t suit you.  That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith.  Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated.  They suffer so you don’t have to.  Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom.  This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards.  Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »


SO READY TO MEAT MY BALLS

May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!

The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!

Behold these sexy balls o’ mine!  Why are you acting so shocked?  My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble.  Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight.  I understand.  I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation.  Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence.  The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights.  You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging.  You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings.  I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go.  Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

Spaghetti meatball prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)

Step 1
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.

Spaghetti meatball mix

Step 2
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat.  Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min).  Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min).  Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min).  Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).Spaghetti meatball balls sauce

Step 3
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce.  Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.Spaghetti meatball al dente scoop

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RUB YOUR AVOCADO BUTT-ER ON MY GRILLED SALMON

January 6, 2009

Rub-a-dub-dub all over my grub.

Rub-a-dub-dub all over my grub.

The time has come to essentially grill one aphrodisiac in the essence of another. No, I’m not talking about boiling vodka and Viagra together, although I hear they serve that ice cold in Tijuana. In a matter of 10 minutes you can have two salmon steaks grilled to perfectly in avocado butter. The creamy nutrients and silky texture of the avocado absorbs naturally into the tender, protein-packed salmon, essentially becoming one perfect package. It’s as if these two supernaturally sexy ingredients were destined to be together like Romeo and Juliet or Thelma and Louise. Let fate take over your date and you’ll be naked and out of breath on your bed before you can say, “Another glass of wine?”

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: White wine or beer

salmon-avocado-butter-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 2 salmon steaks
2. ½ teaspoon of garlic powder
3. ½ teaspoon of onion powder
4. A dash of salt
5. ½ a lemon of juice
6. 2 green onions diced
7. 1 avocado

Step 1
Mix up the green onions, avocado (scooped out of skin), lemon juice, onion powder and garlic powder in a bowl, smashing it all up with a fork, whisk or hand blender. The avocado butter will look much like guacamole.
salmon-avocado-butter-mixing1
Step 2
Spread the avocado butter evenly over each side of the salmon steaks, beginning with the topside. On medium heat, heat up a portable grill or frying pan and put the avocado butter side of the salmon down. Cover the other side of the salmon steaks with avocado butter and squeeze lemon juice over them. Once the outside of the salmon turns pinkish-white (approx 3 minutes), flip the steaks making sure not to lose the grilled avocado butter. Grill the other side so the salmon is cooked thoroughly (approx 2 minutes) and serve up with some righteous veggies like asparagus.
salmon-avocado-butter-grillsalmon-avocado-butter-served-3

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