September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass
This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes. This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare. The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto. Lucky you. Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country. The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch? Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »
January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!
There are a lot of slutty fish out there. The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse. But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi. Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake. Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish. I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up. To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.” Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm. Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again. Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones. The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something. But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine. Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3. Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »
October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.
You should know better than to beg. There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy. When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg. It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm. Groveling doesn’t suit you. That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith. Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated. They suffer so you don’t have to. Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom. This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards. Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »
May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!
Behold these sexy balls o’ mine! Why are you acting so shocked? My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble. Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight. I understand. I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation. Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence. The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights. You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging. You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings. I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go. Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min). Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min). Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min). Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce. Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.
January 6, 2009
Rub-a-dub-dub all over my grub.
The time has come to essentially grill one aphrodisiac in the essence of another. No, I’m not talking about boiling vodka and Viagra together, although I hear they serve that ice cold in Tijuana. In a matter of 10 minutes you can have two salmon steaks grilled to perfectly in avocado butter. The creamy nutrients and silky texture of the avocado absorbs naturally into the tender, protein-packed salmon, essentially becoming one perfect package. It’s as if these two supernaturally sexy ingredients were destined to be together like Romeo and Juliet or Thelma and Louise. Let fate take over your date and you’ll be naked and out of breath on your bed before you can say, “Another glass of wine?”
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: White wine or beer
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 salmon steaks
2. ½ teaspoon of garlic powder
3. ½ teaspoon of onion powder
4. A dash of salt
5. ½ a lemon of juice
6. 2 green onions diced
7. 1 avocado
Mix up the green onions, avocado (scooped out of skin), lemon juice, onion powder and garlic powder in a bowl, smashing it all up with a fork, whisk or hand blender. The avocado butter will look much like guacamole.
Spread the avocado butter evenly over each side of the salmon steaks, beginning with the topside. On medium heat, heat up a portable grill or frying pan and put the avocado butter side of the salmon down. Cover the other side of the salmon steaks with avocado butter and squeeze lemon juice over them. Once the outside of the salmon turns pinkish-white (approx 3 minutes), flip the steaks making sure not to lose the grilled avocado butter. Grill the other side so the salmon is cooked thoroughly (approx 2 minutes) and serve up with some righteous veggies like asparagus.