NAKED NACHO NAUGHTINESS

April 2, 2016
Naked Nacho Naughtiness needs no non-naked nonsense.

Naked Nacho Naughtiness needs no non-naked nonsense.

Because, why not?  We exhaust ourselves being seriously serious and fully clothed.  Get naughty for a change.  Is there really anything wrong with eating nachos naked in bed?  Sure it’s messy and totally awesome, but oh so primal and did I mention easy enough for a lab monkey to make?  Mr. Nutter the chimp threw this together and invited all the lady lab apes to his cage for some monkey business.  So be bold and invite your date over for naked nachos.  They will just think you mean sans meat or dairy.  Let them.  Answer the door wearing nothing but the nachos in your hand.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Beer

macho-nachos-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ bag of tortilla chips
2. 1 tablespoon of sour cream
3. 2 jalapeños diced in rounds
4. 2 tablespoons of SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. 2 tablespoons of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. ½ can of black beans
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 1 chicken breast grilled or baked (vegetarian exclude)
9. 2 large handfuls of shredded jack cheese

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Pull apart the chicken into shreds.  Lay a thin bed of chips on large oven safe plate.  Scoop in 2 spoonfuls of black beans, throw a handful of chicken, jalapeños, green onion, and a heaping handful of jack cheese.  Repeat the process with another smaller batch of chips and fillings until you have yourself a tower.

macho-nachos-assemble1Step 2
Throw the nachos in the oven and bake until the cheese melts into the goodness below (approx 15 min).  Create condom-ment mini mountains of SALSA, GUACAMOLE and sour cream.  Now the two of you, get naked and climb that mountain!

macho-nachos-bake-condoments1

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APHRODISIAC BOOTY BOMB SCRAMBLE

September 16, 2015
KA-BOOM!  This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM!  Don’t worry your pretty little head.  It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs.  This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper.  Overkill?  Perhaps.  But the job gets done and you get off.  This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow.  Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked.  Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you.  KA-BLOOEY! Read the rest of this entry »


BBW BBQ CHOP CHICKEN SALAD

June 17, 2015
BBW...Big Beautiful Women...Brash Bold Wicked

BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked

This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there.  I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”.  So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality.  It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way.  The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening.  But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy.  Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock.  This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »


DANK ORGANIC VEGGIE BURRITOS

May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!

Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!

Holy shit, bra!  Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo?  I mean like wow, man!  Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off.  At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius.  They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo.  I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day.  They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart.  Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »


COSTA RICA CHICA CHICKEN

July 16, 2014
Which Costa Boasta the Mosta Rica Chicas?

Which Costa Boasta the Mosta Rica Chicas?

I have traveled the world sampling the finest food and women. Each has its own unique taste, smell and overall experience. Some are memorable like this simple chicken sandwich in a baguette I ate in Paris, while the same thing I ate in Des Moines, Iowa was as forgettable as that Matt LeBlanc show after Friends. The same can be said about certain late night rendezvous where I’ll never forget the first girl to show up at my house with strawberries and cream, but am trying to forget about the one who brought BBQ sauce and coleslaw. This research is done in the name of Cooking and Banging. I do not take it lightly! But one particularly memorable CTB story took place in Costa Rica. I met a senorita that laughed at me from the beach as I attempted to surf. My Spanglish worked well enough to charm her into inviting me over for a post-surf lunch. This chica’s abuela was making this chicken dish in her tiny kitchen. I ignored her granddaughter and assister her in making this dish. The ploy to choose the chica’s grandmother’s company over hers became a double checkmate. Not only did I learn and document an awesome new recipe, but the semi-jealous chica also made sure that I was completely satisfied after lunch in the hammock. Read the rest of this entry »


JUEVOS GRANDE RANCHEROS

April 25, 2014
This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

Hola, muchachos!  So it’s breakfast once again.  You’re ready for enough sustenance to satisfy the biggest machismo tough guy, but delicate enough to seduce the daintiest of conquests.  Good thing you have juevos grande…rancheros of course!  This classic Mexican desayuno is packed to the brim with black bean APHRODISIAC goodness, loaded with protein egg power and filled with veggie delights to keep you banging for years to come.  Your date’s health can only improve with you in their life because making a dish like this is incredibly thoughtful.  Well played!  I prepared this meal for a senorita of my own who was surprised that a gringo was able to serve up authentic juevos rancheros.  They were nearly as tasty as the siesta we took after breakfast.  Adios, mi amigos! Read the rest of this entry »


POLENTA THEIR PANTS OFF

April 7, 2014
Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on.  That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line.  Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong.  In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy.  Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated.  Just accept the compliment and go with it.  Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you.  Don’t fret.  The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery.  I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex.  And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »