February 29, 2016
French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you
Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales. Ibiza…nuff said. Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket. So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat. It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter. But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do. I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning. My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast. But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter. Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter. Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over. Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup. Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins. Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min). Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
Leave a Comment » | french, fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: ancestors, banana, bang, banging, breakfast, british, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, England, English muffin, food, France, french, French toast English muffin recipe, frenching your English muffin recipe, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, improvise, intercourse, kitchen, Laissez-faire, libido, maple syrup, milk, morning, naked, proclamation, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, straight-laced, sweet, tasty, UK, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, mexican, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, brown sugar, cinnamon, cold fish, comfort food, dairy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, frigid, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, nutmeg, poon, prude, raisins, recipe, rice, rice pudding poontang, rice pudding recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 24, 2015
"Where the ho ho ho's at?" - Santa Clause, December 25, 2009
Santa has been a dirty dog. Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on. He pretends to be a jolly fat man spreading toys and joys around. But that’s just a cover so he can bang every MILF he can get his sick sausage fingers on. Homeboy gets right into your house, chimney or no, throws some chintzy toys his worker elves made in the North Pole AKA a Chinese sweatshop, and is banging your momma underneath the Christmas tree your family so innocently decorated. And what does he leave behind as a calling card? Cookie crumbs and a half-drank glass of eggnog. But now’s your chance to show the holly jolly sex-fiend who’s boss. Sure he banged your mom in your own house. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the leftover eggnog to make French toast on Christmas morning. Think of it as a way for your family to bounce back and avoid becoming yet another home broken by Santa Clause. And if Santa just banged your girlfriend or wife instead, take heart that she was probably star-struck, like banging a Backstreet Boy in their hey day. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, holidays, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: backstreet boys, bang, banging, batter, bread, butter, chimney, Chinese sweatshop, chintzy, Christmas tree, delicious, DIY, easy, fat bastard, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, ho ho ho, holly jolly, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maple syrup, milf, momma, mommy, mother, naked, Naughty eggnog, north pole, nutmeg, raisins, recipe, santa clause, santa’s revenge French toast, sausage fingers, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex-fiend, tasty, xmas, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 1, 2015
When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”
Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bananas, bang, banging, boil, brown sugar, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, flavor, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet oatmeal, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, instant oatmeal, intercourse, kitchen, kool-aid, lap dances, libido, melt, milk, mix, naked, new kids on the block, nktob, nutrition, o-face, o-faced oatmeal recipe, oats, oh-faced, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smile like a donut, syrup, tasty, tlc, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 20, 2009
Goodness, gracious grandma's kitchen's on fire!
Out of respect to my dear grandmother, I shall refrain my usual irreverent tomfoolery for once. I have faith that you, dear reader, will realize cookies of this caliber still deserve a place in the prestigious COOK TO BANG canon. The cookies have the potential for solving the world’s problems from the border wars to erectile dysfunction. One bite will bring you back to the innocence of childhood when banging was something you did on your high chair with applesauce all over your face. But don’t let that discourage you, for these cookies are a perfect bait to lure in unsuspecting CTB candidates. They will think your thoughtfulness cute and become disarmed by the outstanding edible bounty you have presented. Invite them over for dinner, drinks and more now that you have demonstrated your culinary prowess. No one will resist when they’re under the cookies’ spell.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: milk or a BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
Ingredients (makes approx 60 cookies):
1. 1¼ cups of flour
2. ¼ cup of granulated white sugar
3. 3½ cups of oats
4. ¾ cup of packed down brown sugar
5. 1½ cups of raisins
6. 1 teaspoon of baking soda
7. 1 packet of vanilla Jell-O pudding
8. 2 eggs
9. 2 sticks of softened butter
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Mix the butter, white sugar, brown sugar and pudding mix in a large bowl. Crack the eggs in this bowl and blend it all together.
Mix the flour and baking soda in a separate bowl, and then pour into the larger bowl and mix it all together thoroughly. Add in the oats and raisins and mix until you have one sexy bowl of cookie dough.
Use a teaspoon to scoop up cookies and throw them on the ungreased baking sheets, allowing 2 inches between. Bake them until they become golden brown (approx 10-12 minutes) and remove from oven to cook. Serve it up with milk and await adulation by the masses.
Leave a Comment » | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: amazing cookies, baked goods, baking soda, brown sugar, eggs, flour, Grandma’s oatmeal raisin cookies recipe, grandmother, Jell-O, oatmeal raisin cookies, oats, old-fashion, raisins, rosemary, secret ingredient, simple, softened butter, sweet treats, vanilla pudding, white sugar | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang