FRENCHING YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN

February 29, 2016
frenching your english muffin served 2

French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you

Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up.  They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp.  This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales.  Ibiza…nuff said.  Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket.  So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat.  It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter.  But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do.  I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning.  My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast.  But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.

frenching your english muffin prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins

Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
frenching your english muffin batter
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter.  Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter.  Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over.  Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
frenching your english muffin pan
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup.  Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins.  Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min).  Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
frenching your english muffin syrup
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
frenching your english muffin served

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BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

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FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD

April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all

Bear fruit before you bare all

You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods.  But you eat it anyway.  Sinner.  Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire.  Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it.  Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable.  It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest.  The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches.  This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite.  Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »


SEXIER THAN DEAD ELVIS SINWICH

July 23, 2014
They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

Elvis has left the building…in a body bag.  Too many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches I suppose. I can’t explain it, but hipsters love them some Elvis.  Must be the irony associated with his gold lamé suit, mutual love of pills and consumption of odd foods sure to leave you bloated and possibly dead on the shitter.  Cook To Bang does not endorse this behavior nor the hipster lifestyle.  But this sandwich is a delicious lark to share with your hipster lover after an ironic banging session.  Just be sure to crank some Elvis tunes, you hunk a hunk of burning love.  (That burning is Chlamydia, by the way.) Read the rest of this entry »


SMOOTHEE OPERATOR

January 8, 2013
Smoothee Operator.  You're a Smoothee Operatorrrrrrrrr!

Smoothee Operator. You’re a Smoothee Operatorrrrrrrrr!

Ever find yourself vexed with the choice of either eating breakfast or morning sex before work?  I usually go for the latter.  But why limit yourself when you can do both?  Smoothees are a kick-ass kick-start to a kick-in-the-nuts day.  With practice, you can blend on up, pour it in a to go cup, and be out the door in under a minute.  If that isn’t reason enough, consider the health benefits.  The fruit’s antioxidants nourish your mistreated body and give you a healthy jolt far healthier than coffee or tea.  Protein powder will keep you sharp and satiated until lunch, and also give the male libido an extra push.  Did I mention the aphrodisiac elements?  Making a smoothee from home also makes economic sense too rather than paying a smoothee shop like Jamba Juice $6 a pop.  But you already know that because like Sade says, “You’re a Smooth(ee) Operator.”

smoothee-operator-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $8 (with repeats in your future)
Drinking Buddy: Vodka mixed in, but only on weekends

Ingredients (for 2 smoothees):
1. 1 scoop of protein powder (optional)
2. 3 cups of your favorite juice (mine is blueberry)
3. 1 tablespoon of yogurt (optional
4. 1 handful of fresh/frozen mango chunks
5. 1 handful of fresh/frozen blackberries
6. 1 banana

Step 1
Throw all the ingredients in the blender in this order: banana, blackberry, mango, juice, and lastly yogurt if you so desire.smoothee-operator-ingredients

Step 2
Blend the shit out of the fruit until it all forms one sexy red color.  If you want the extra umf, throw in the protein powder now and blend that too.  Pour into cups, down them like a champ and get on with your morning, especially if that means getting it on.
smoothee-operator-blend

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STROKE MY BANANAS FOSTER

August 16, 2010
Only sexy monkeys deserve to taste these bananas
Only sexy monkeys deserve to taste these bananas

The South will rise again…in your mouth.  I do declare!  This outstanding Southern Cuisine classic is a sure fire way of impressing even that skeptical date who sneered at the 4-course meal you’ve already served.  Your caveman instinct will kick in like a racehorse back-kick to the cranium the moment you combine fire and food.  Putting an amazing dessert on fire is like thunking a cave-babe over the head with a club and dragging her into the cave (works on cave-dudes too).  The bananas sweet crispy outside gives way to a hot creamy center that is begging for some culinary cunnilingus.  The extra Foster sauce works like a much-need lube that allows you to navigate the sweet and rummy flavors.  And you can always cool it all down with dip in the melting ice cream pool.  Prepare to have your mind and possibly something else blown.

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STUFF YOUR CHOCOLATE BANANA

October 21, 2009
Get stuffed?  Don't mind if I do!

Get stuffed? Don't mind if I do!

Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing.  This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you regard this APHRODISIAC overdose as a friend and not foe.  You will be hard-pressed not to sing cult-like praises once you take your first bite, or second or third where you stuff it all into your mouth and wish you had made a few extra.  There’s a high probability you may forget your date is even there once the gorging begins.  But fear not for they will be reacting in a similarly compromising manner so you will be in good company.  You will both be locked into an alternate chocolaty universe where you frolic among the folds of strawberry and banana.  Unless you ascend to the heavens, you can then ravage each other until the euphoria wears off.  Win-win, if you ask me.

chocolate banana prepTotal time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 bananas
2. 5 STRAWBERRIES
3. 1 handful dark CHOCOLATE chips or shards
4. Powdered sugar (optional and not pictured)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Slice open the top of the banana all the way through to split the meat.  Slice the strawberries thinly and stuff into the banana.  Stuff the chocolate evenly with the strawberries.
chocolate banana assemble
Step 2
Throw the stuffed bananas into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 40 min).  Remove from the oven and sprinkle some powdered sugar if you’re feeling it.  Serve up with a spoon.  Vanilla ice cream might go nicely with it.
chocolate banana bake

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