RICE PUDDING POONTANG

January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.

Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.

Rice pudding is comfort food.  Comfort = connection.  Connection= banging.  You can’t argue with sound logic.  Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule.  But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude.  She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer.  Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back.  I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door.  But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge.  The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed.  She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after.  Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »


SANTA’S REVENGE FRENCH TOAST

December 24, 2015

"Where the ho ho ho's at?" - Santa Clause, December 25, 2009

Santa has been a dirty dog.  Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on.  He pretends to be a jolly fat man spreading toys and joys around. But that’s just a cover so he can bang every MILF he can get his sick sausage fingers on. Homeboy gets right into your house, chimney or no, throws some chintzy toys his worker elves made in the North Pole AKA a Chinese sweatshop, and is banging your momma underneath the Christmas tree your family so innocently decorated. And what does he leave behind as a calling card? Cookie crumbs and a half-drank glass of eggnog.  But now’s your chance to show the holly jolly sex-fiend who’s boss. Sure he banged your mom in your own house. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the leftover eggnog to make French toast on Christmas morning.  Think of it as a way for your family to bounce back and avoid becoming yet another home broken by Santa Clause. And if Santa just banged your girlfriend or wife instead, take heart that she was probably star-struck, like banging a Backstreet Boy in their hey day. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACH

November 24, 2015

I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!

I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one.  Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish.  Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach.  Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy.  The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving.  If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place.  This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor.  Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach

Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes.  Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.

Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).

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SEE ME PLEASE ME FEED ME KIWIS

February 23, 2010

Ain't no peewees with these kiwis.

Much props to New Zealanders for being so lovable. Here’s looking at you Bret and Jemaine! Those kiwis are a treat to be around, especially in their home turf. I visited Queenstown, NZ a while back and was taken a back by the natural beauty of the place. The mountains and lakes and rivers and shit were nice too. Kiwi girls got that organically cute look going on fun and are always up for it, whatever ìitî may be. A drunken lout I met at a Sydney party told me right before I flew to New Zealand, ìWhen you tap a kiwi on the shoulder her panties fall down.î Thanks for the tip, Aussie Aussie, oi oi! He was right. And not only that, Kiwi girls, at least the one I met in Queenstown, did me one better. She dragged me out of the bar, banged me like her forefathers banged their sheep, and then fed me after. Bang to Cook. What she served me was reminiscent of this little ditty. Fresh kiwis served as a decadent dessert hit the spot before I was dragged back to bed for round 2 through 14.

Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Port or dessert wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp brown sugar
2. 1 tsp garam masala*
3. 2 tbsp margarine
4. 8 kiwis
*Indian spice made of cumin, coriander, cardamom, peppercorn, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and saffron

Step 1
Cut off the ends of the kiwi, slice down one side, and remove the peels. Cut the kiwis in half and you are ready to rumble.

Step 2
On low heat, melt the margarine, add the brown sugar and garam masala, and stir into a syrup. Add the slices of kiwi and sauté in the syrup until the kiwis soften and the color starts to fade (approx 20 min). Serve solo or over ice cream or another desert that needs some extra boom-shaka-laka.

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