FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN

April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky?  Who do? You do!  Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!

Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!

Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen.  I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum.  Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because.  Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church.  But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan.  Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way.  So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory?  This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty.  That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire.  So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky.  It’s natural and oh so delicioso!

Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita

fried-chicken-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission.  Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt.  In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.fried-chicken-batter

Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts.  Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated.  Place in a baking pan.  Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken.  Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).

fried-chicken-dip-butter-bake

Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.

fried-chicken-served-2

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FUN YOUNG ONION RINGS

April 27, 2009
Become the Lord of the Onion Rings

Become the Lord of the Onion Rings

It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously).  The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings.  These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts.  That’s one less reason to not get laid.  These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move.  Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them.  So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda

onion-rings-prepIngredients:
1. 1 cup of cornflakes
2. 1 teaspoon of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tablespoon of sugar
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. 1 egg
6. 1 onion cut into ½ rounds, then rings separated

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar.  In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly.  Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
onion-rings-batter
Step 2
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet.  Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min).  Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off.  Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
onion-rings-bakeonion-rings-served-2

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SHROOM SHALAKLAK BOOM SOUP

April 1, 2009
Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!

Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!

Can you feel the rhythm?  It starts with your hips going back and forth like a metronome.  Feel it flow out to every point in your body.  You and your date are under the spell of the mushroom.  There is nothing either of you can do but let go.  Dance, fool, dance!  Your bodies will pulsate and writhe together.  The warm embrace of the soup will inspire you two to become as one…for a half hour or so.  It is for your benefit that you carry on.  This mystical culinary potion has no fat to speak of.  The natural flavor will cause your brain’s synapse to snap, crackle, and pop in a pleasure-filled frenzy.  My advice: Take advantage of this recipe while it remains 100% legal.  No doubt there is some buzz killer on the mission to make this soup contraband because it’s too sexy for their conservative closed minds.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

shroom-shalaklak-boom-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of chicken broth
2. ½ cup of sherry
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 teaspoon of salt
5. 1 leek
6. ½ pound of fresh shitake mushrooms
7. ½ pound of white mushrooms
8. 2 small handfuls of raw walnuts
9. 3 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Wash off the leek, trim the edges off, spit it down the middle and chop coarsely.  Wash the mushrooms thoroughly and chop them coarsely.
shroom-shalaklak-boom-cut
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic and leeks until the shrink down and become translucent (approx 3 minutes).  Add in the mushrooms, salt and sherry and cook the mushrooms down until they soften (approx 5 minutes).
shroom-shalaklak-boom-veggies
Step 3
Dump in the chicken stock, bring it to a boil, and then simmer the goodies covered with a lid on low until the mushrooms absorb the liquid (approx 15 minutes).  Gently puree the mushrooms, leaving some chunks intact.  Serve it up with a small handful of walnuts over each bowl.
shroom-shalaklak-boom-broth-puree-serve

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MY HONEY BAKES MY APPLES SPICY

March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!

Wake and Bake!

My honey’s got it going on.  She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby!  You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up.  Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots.  Hot damn!  We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free.  No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules.  The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up.  It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors.  So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can.  It will be our little secret.

baked-apples-prep1Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
*Optional

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact.  Cut the smaller slivers off each core.  Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
baked-apples-peel-cut-place
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat.  Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey.  Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid.  Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
baked-apples-spiced-honey
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside.  Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
baked-apples-bake-serve

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NO BLUE-BALL-BERRY KRISPIE SWEETS

February 11, 2009
Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.

Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.

Your favorite childhood treat is back with a black and blueberry attitude. This ain’t your momma’s Rice Krispie Treat.  The team of molecular physicists on staff at COOK TO BANG developed a groundbreaking improvement to this noble confectionery.  The naysayers who said our research grant money was worse spent than Sarah Palin’s Bridge To Nowhere can suck it.  Now that haters are off to ruin someone else’s day, behold: I reveal to you the revolutionary Krispie Treat supercharged with blueberry bomb blasts.  The consumer will be too busy rolling their eyes into the back of their heads to notice the antioxidants going to work.  Serve these treats to someone you’re sweet on  in full confidence that you’re holding your conquest’s health in the utmost regard.  It’s low in fat, rich in fiber, and overflowing with awesomeness. Keep in mind you’ll have plenty of leftovers that are great for post-coital snacks or to lure future dates to your place. No blue balls for you, my friend!

krispy-prep-copyTotal time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA

Ingredients:
1. 6 cups of Rice Krispies (or generic brand)
2. 10 ounces of marshmallows
3. 1 small container of fresh blueberries
4. ¼ stick of butter

Step 1
Melt the butter completely in a deep pan or pot on low heat.  Toss in the marshmallows, and then cook and stir them until they become one big tasty goop (approx 5 minutes).
krispy-melt
Step 2
Turn the heat off and dump in the Krispies and blueberries. Mix them all together thoroughly. Dump them all into a greased baking pan, and pat them down with a spatula (ideally sprayed with cooking spray).  Allow them time to cool (approx 30 minutes).  Cut up your preferred sized squares and distribute to the beautiful people.

krispy-mix-press

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