SQUASH KE-BANGS

September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

Let’s be honest here.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging.  Right?  If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing.  I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix.  But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off.  Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles.  Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer.  Grill, broil it, munch it.  Each bite brings you closer to God.  Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »


ROUND 2 SALMON SALAD

August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.

One good bang deserves another.

Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.

simple salmon salad prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives

Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
simple salmon salad dressing copy
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
simple salmon salad toss
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
simple salmon salad toppings
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
simple salmon salad served 2

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CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD

July 16, 2015
Don't be an octopussy.  Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t mess with Octopussy.  That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact.  But that was before she went through the Bond rotation.  Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs.  That’s where I came in.  She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose.  All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour.  But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor.  So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader.  It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy.  Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees.  That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy.  One bite and she was hooked.  We banged until her ego was restored.  And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »


IMPALE ‘EM WITH YOUR SWORDFISH

July 10, 2015
Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Alas, there is no escaping your fate.  We shall duel at dawn’s first light. You wrote your destiny when you insulted my honor.  By not partaking in the fine FINGER FOOD I prepared, nor acquiescing to my subtle seductions, I am forced to take things a might bit further.  So I have upped the ante of our rendezvous with an unstoppable thrust of nature.  This wicked weapon will pierce thy heart and expose thy loins.  There is nothing thou can do to hold me back from my urge for triumphant trolloping.  And to think my foes presume this dish to be anything but simple sensational seduction. En garde, I say! Read the rest of this entry »


FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD

April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all

Bear fruit before you bare all

You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods.  But you eat it anyway.  Sinner.  Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire.  Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it.  Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable.  It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest.  The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches.  This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite.  Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »


FRUITAY BOOTAY SALAD

September 17, 2013

fruity-booty-salad-served-22

Get ready for a booty quake that will shake your whole neighborhood.  Be sure that you take precautionary measures while making this salad like wearing safety goggles, a fireproof apron and remain under a doorway.  You don’t want blunt objects falling from the cabinet.  Concussions really aren’t as sexy as celebrities make them out to be.  But still 9 out of 10 famous people agree that this salad gets them hot and bothered.  Their overpaid asses move, groove and behoove you to adore them.  Go with it.  Each bite is a fruity journey to the center of your pleasure dome.  Serve this salad only to those whose asses you are keen to see shake in the moonlight.  Otherwise your retinas may burn from an unspeakable spectacle. Read the rest of this entry »


ROCK-HER-WORLD ROQUEFORT SALAD

February 2, 2011
Roquefort and Roll out of bed after a night of unspeakable acts.

Roquefort and Roll out of bed after a night of unspeakable acts.

This salad will rock her world.  It will also rock his world.  And its world should your dog eat it before you can.  It’s like a techno dance party in your mouth.  Each complimentary flavor will have the chance to bust a move on your tongue’s dance floor.  The tart of the lemon will give a shout out to the creamy Roquefort who kicks it over to the endive ditty on out to the crispety crunchety apple who tips its hat to the tangy cranberry bossa nova.  No one is immune to the uncontrollable taste bud tango.  This is a great way to warm the evening up with a little bit of this and whole lot of that.  Warning: those allergic to edible orgasms should steer clear if you know what’s good for you. Read the rest of this entry »