May 27, 2015
These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them.  Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries.  But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar.  Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land.  Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart.  Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will.  Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance.  Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow.  This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting.  Game, set and match! Read the rest of this entry »


June 2, 2014
There ain't nothing awful about these waffles

There ain’t nothing awful about these waffles

There’s something glorious about stuffing one’s mouth with something hot, sticky and delicious.  Close your eyes and experience Shangri La as the sweet and subtle flavors swirl around your taste buds like a Brazilian capoeira dancer.  Each mouthful is a unique snowflake of flavor, texture and subtlety.  Take your time down there.  Enjoy the ride and be precise with your oral actions. Be careful not to rush through because then no one will get their culinary rocks off.   That is the art of making waffles awesome rather than awful.  Sure you could toast up a frozen Eggo and be done with it.  But that’s like settling for watching porn when you have a porn star signaling you to bed.  The extra effort is always worth it and will pay off in dividends when it’s time to consummate.  So indulge yourself when the weekend rolls around.  Take your time to surprise that slumbering sexpot who blew your mind and a few other things last night and twice this morning.  They are worth it and so are you.  A word of caution: waffles are sexy, but not when stuck to your bed sheets. Read the rest of this entry »


December 17, 2010
Behold the tower of porn...flakes.

Behold the tower of porn...flakes.

Cue the 70’s porn funk as you stroll into the room.  You got that sexy someone in one arm, an armful of cornflake magic in the other.  The only thing holding you back is your fragile sense of morals.  Toss them aside onto the shag carpeting and become the porn star you always wanted to be.  Remember on career day in middle school when everyone announced plans to be doctors, firemen and an account like my dad?  Not you.  You announced to your aghast teacher and clueless classmates that you would be delivering money shots on cue from 5 different angles while stroking your mustache.  So what if that didn’t technically work out?  No harm in pretending so long as you have a willing partner.  But that’s why you have the Porn-Flake Friskees, to lure in your co-star.  Lights, camera, BANG! Read the rest of this entry »


August 30, 2010
That no good tart tastes too good

That no good tart tastes too good

What a filthy, no good tart!  Strutting itself around unpeeled and sweet to a fault.  You’d think this tart would have more manners being of European stock.  But clearly all it wants to do is lay about and put itself in any mouth it can find.  No doubt, this apple has fallen very far from the tree.  But I suppose you think I should just cut it some slack, right?  Just let it go while it tarts around on any available plate, being passed around like a marijuana joint at some hippie love orgy?  I say hell no!  The only solution I have is to cool its jets.  I’ll use the only thing I have in my arsenal.  Ice cream!  That’ll teach it to be so sweet, seductive and bad for me.  Just to prove to you I am the bigger man, I’ll take one bite to show the rest of you how to be disciplined.  See?  One bite and I can say no…all right two bites.  Three.  Screw it!  I’m taking the rest of the tart into my bedroom. But I’m not going to enjoy it!  Seriously.  I’m eating the rest for it’s own good.  Let that be a lesson to the rest of you! Read the rest of this entry »


May 28, 2009
How far down?  All the way down!

How far down? All the way down!

That mouth don’t belong nowhere but way down south.  You best get to work with this much flavor on the line.  You’ll need all your oral skills to suck out every last morsel of sweet sweet satisfaction.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the flavor explosion in your mouth.  It may shock you a little as it slides down your throat or dribbles onto your chin.  But that’s nothing to be alarmed about.  Just an unexpected ingredient popping by at the last second to make you think, “How about that?”  Now be sure to spread the love out evenly.  It could get messy otherwise.  This is banging bait at its bangingest!

Recipe courtesy of Terrence, my favorite South Boston son.

mouth down southie surprise prepTotal time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or the beer of your choice

1. ½ a can of Shoestring Potatoes (Potato Sticks)
2. 3 tablespoons of peanut butter
3. 1 small bag of soft caramel or butterscotch

Step 1
Unwrap the caramel or butterscotch.  Slowly melt them in a large pan on low heat (approx 4 min).  Scoop in the peanut butter and dump in the potato sticks.  Mix it all up thoroughly and use the spatula to spread it out into a small baking pan.  Allow it to cool off in the fridge (approx 20 min) and chop it up into smaller chunks to serve. mouth down southie surprise makemouth down southie surprise served 2

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February 11, 2009
Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.

Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.

Your favorite childhood treat is back with a black and blueberry attitude. This ain’t your momma’s Rice Krispie Treat.  The team of molecular physicists on staff at COOK TO BANG developed a groundbreaking improvement to this noble confectionery.  The naysayers who said our research grant money was worse spent than Sarah Palin’s Bridge To Nowhere can suck it.  Now that haters are off to ruin someone else’s day, behold: I reveal to you the revolutionary Krispie Treat supercharged with blueberry bomb blasts.  The consumer will be too busy rolling their eyes into the back of their heads to notice the antioxidants going to work.  Serve these treats to someone you’re sweet on  in full confidence that you’re holding your conquest’s health in the utmost regard.  It’s low in fat, rich in fiber, and overflowing with awesomeness. Keep in mind you’ll have plenty of leftovers that are great for post-coital snacks or to lure future dates to your place. No blue balls for you, my friend!

krispy-prep-copyTotal time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA

1. 6 cups of Rice Krispies (or generic brand)
2. 10 ounces of marshmallows
3. 1 small container of fresh blueberries
4. ¼ stick of butter

Step 1
Melt the butter completely in a deep pan or pot on low heat.  Toss in the marshmallows, and then cook and stir them until they become one big tasty goop (approx 5 minutes).
Step 2
Turn the heat off and dump in the Krispies and blueberries. Mix them all together thoroughly. Dump them all into a greased baking pan, and pat them down with a spatula (ideally sprayed with cooking spray).  Allow them time to cool (approx 30 minutes).  Cut up your preferred sized squares and distribute to the beautiful people.


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