ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

November 30, 2015
The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard!  This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection.  Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks.  When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats.  The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit.  Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE.  Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome.  Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist.  Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »


LOVE ME (CHICKEN) TENDER

November 9, 2015
chicken-tenders-served

Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!

So it’s game day.  Are you ready for some football?  Damn straight!  Do you have your jersey?  Check!  Beer helmet? Mos def!  The case of brewskies?  You know it?  The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party?  Wait, what?  You do know that the game starts in an hour, right?  Oh, &$%#!  Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you.  This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser.  You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room.  Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

May 27, 2015
These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them.  Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries.  But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar.  Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land.  Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart.  Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will.  Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance.  Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow.  This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting.  Game, set and match! Read the rest of this entry »


PUMPKIN SEEDS OF SEDUCTION

December 5, 2014

Reap the harvest you sow in your date’s loins!

Or was that destruction?  These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated.  Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling.  What a perfect use for ingredients most folks toss away with less concern than for a used condom.  Tis unfortunate because pumpkin seeds can provide a great nibble while you whip up the rest of your feast.  That way you won’t leave your culinary conquest chomping at the bit.  They will be satisfied from the get go with your amazing kitchen feats.  So long as you follow them up with a little razzle-dazzle on a plate, you will have succeeded at planting the seeds of seduction that will sprout from their mouth all the way down to their loins. Read the rest of this entry »


DON’T MAKE ME BAGEL PIZZA

October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

You should know better than to beg.  There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy.  When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg.  It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm.  Groveling doesn’t suit you.  That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith.  Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated.  They suffer so you don’t have to.  Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom.  This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards.  Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »


TOTALLY SWEET POTATO FRIES

April 12, 2013
You made these fries for me?  You're totally sweet!

You made these fries for me? You’re totally sweet!

Dude!  Did you see that ollie Mctwist I pulled over the rails?  Totally sweet!  Did you see how I walked right up to that blonde and got her number?  Totally sweet!  Did I mention I was able to Cook To Bang?  Totally sweet!  Did I tell you what I cooked to seal the deal?  Totally Sweet Potato Fries!  These oven-baked fries are seasoned to perfection and make a totally sweet starter, side dish or post-coital snack.  The only thing you have to figure out which someone is worthy of making this stupid-easy dish for.  Hmm… Read the rest of this entry »