November 13, 2015
Eat until they’re cute!
Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab. Granted, that was long before the Cook To Bang method was a twinkle in my eye. But too much booze to the brain makes what would have been as appealing as banging a beached whale rotting in the sun while sober seem like a swell idea when tanked. We all make mistakes; I just prefer my mistakes not shop at the Big and Tall. That said, sometimes when you’re in a rut, you just need to bang something. Anything. You need to rebuild your confidence the way a sports franchise has a “rebuilding season”. Beer-goggles are terrific to put your head back into the game as long as it’s far from the eyes of your friends who will no doubt mock you for your homely transgression. When the dirty deed had been done and did, you can fight the hangover and shame with some soul-inspiring beer-battered fish tacos. Or you could just make them for that hottie you’re sweet on.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Enough beer to make your dog look like an extra in Gossip Girl
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup vegetable oil
2. 1 cup flour
3. 1 cup cheap beer
4. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
5. ¼ shredded coconut
6. ½ lb of FISH: red snapper, tilapia or rock fish cut in 3 inch slivers
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA
9. 2 handfuls shredded cabbage
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
11. 4 small corn tortillas
Create the beer batter by mixing the flour, beer and shredded coconut thoroughly.
Heat up the oil in a pot that is deep and narrow. Dip a sliver of fish into the batter and immediately toss in the oil. Deep fry each piece until golden brown and transfer to a plate covered in paper towels to soak up the grease. Season the fried fish with cayenne pepper.
Assemble the fish tacos by first placing the fish in the middle of the tortilla and then stuffing it with cabbage, tomato, avocado and mango salsa.
Serve these up with a side of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE if the deep-fried fish doesn’t have enough calories.
October 8, 2014
Trap her with some red snapper
A red snapper walked into the social club wearing a three-piece suit, a pocket watch sticking out of his waistcoat. All the ladies heads turned, enthralled by this sexy piece of manfish. Who was he to deny the unwavering lust of the cougars that scratched and pulled each others’ hair to get a taste? When the dust settled, every lady was smoking a post-coital cigarette. The red snapper was nowhere to be seen, but would not soon be forgotten. ìWhat’s the lesson?î you ask. Make an impression, own the room, and you too will be devoured with the right amount of umph. Read the rest of this entry »
January 8, 2009
This fish taco is your amigo con benefits!
Few things are more satisfying than diving tongue first into a fishy pink taco. At least that is what I learned while on an unforgettable first date. It started with a lousy Mexican meal we both refused to eat. We drank tequila instead. Some of the details are hazy, but somehow us joking about driving down to Mexico to find the perfect taco turned into reality. I remember rubbing her knee as she gunned her banged up Jetta straight through the border crossing and into chaos that involved me wearing a balloon hat sombrero at a otherwise gringo-free night club with a rodeo in the back. What I do recall with vivid clarity was the next day. I was hung-over and a tad confused about why I was standing on an Ensenada beach haggling with a tiny grandmother over the price of a luchadore wrestling mask. Luckily a boat crashed up on shore with a fisherman holding out his catch of the day put it in perspective. “Tacos?” “Si, senor!” My man lit a fire right there on the sand, gutted the fish, smothered the fillet with some mystery marinade and grilled that on a tiny pan. Our simple goal was achieved. To this day, the perfect taco. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try it at home for your hot date. Did I mention the APHRODISIAC triple threat of seafood, chili, and avocado?
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza (beer) or tequila, or both, like they do in Baja California!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ teaspoon of paprika
4. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
5. Hot sauce or SALSA
6. 1 6 ounce tilapia fillet or red snapper
7. 2 lime wedges for recipe, extra for flavor
8. 1 handful of chopped cabbage
9. 4 corn tortillas or two larger flour tortillas (pictured)
10. 2 cloves of garlic
11. ½ a Serrano chili chopped finely, a whole chili if you want a kick in the head
12. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
13. ¼ of a red onion chopped finely
To create the fish marinade, mix the garlic, Serrano chili, paprika, black pepper and olive oil in a bowl. Smother the fish fillet in the marinade and leave in the bowl to marinate. (Approx 15 minutes)
Why not mix up some coleslaw while the fish marinates? Mix up the red onion, cabbage, mayonnaise, black pepper, paprika and limejuice in a bowl.
It’s time to grill that sexed up fish fillet. Grill it for 2-3 minutes on each side. Squeeze lime once you flip it and cook through. Remove the fish and break up into taco size chunks.
Spread each tortilla out and mix equal parts fish and coleslaw, crowning it all with avocado slices. Kick it up with some hot sauce, or better yet, MANGO SALSA. Ole mi amigos!