November 13, 2015
Eat until they’re cute!
Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab. Granted, that was long before the Cook To Bang method was a twinkle in my eye. But too much booze to the brain makes what would have been as appealing as banging a beached whale rotting in the sun while sober seem like a swell idea when tanked. We all make mistakes; I just prefer my mistakes not shop at the Big and Tall. That said, sometimes when you’re in a rut, you just need to bang something. Anything. You need to rebuild your confidence the way a sports franchise has a “rebuilding season”. Beer-goggles are terrific to put your head back into the game as long as it’s far from the eyes of your friends who will no doubt mock you for your homely transgression. When the dirty deed had been done and did, you can fight the hangover and shame with some soul-inspiring beer-battered fish tacos. Or you could just make them for that hottie you’re sweet on.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Enough beer to make your dog look like an extra in Gossip Girl
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup vegetable oil
2. 1 cup flour
3. 1 cup cheap beer
4. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
5. ¼ shredded coconut
6. ½ lb of FISH: red snapper, tilapia or rock fish cut in 3 inch slivers
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA
9. 2 handfuls shredded cabbage
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
11. 4 small corn tortillas
Create the beer batter by mixing the flour, beer and shredded coconut thoroughly.
Heat up the oil in a pot that is deep and narrow. Dip a sliver of fish into the batter and immediately toss in the oil. Deep fry each piece until golden brown and transfer to a plate covered in paper towels to soak up the grease. Season the fried fish with cayenne pepper.
Assemble the fish tacos by first placing the fish in the middle of the tortilla and then stuffing it with cabbage, tomato, avocado and mango salsa.
Serve these up with a side of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE if the deep-fried fish doesn’t have enough calories.
November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang
I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food. There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face. It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low. The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off. True story. My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight. No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky. So what are you waiting for? If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish. Right? Read the rest of this entry »
October 26, 2015
Wango Tango Bango!
The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity. Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires. The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache. You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom. Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled. But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this. Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra. So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food. Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom. Bravo! Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »
October 9, 2015
Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs
Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?
Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »
September 21, 2015
Shrimping and pimping and bed sheet crimping
It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner. Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so. Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served them to have torn off their clothes to show their appreciation. That is a damn shame Cook To Bang will rectify. We’re taking a simple taco recipe, supping it up with aphrodisiac-laden flavor, and letting that shit ride across your plates then down your gullets faster than you can say, “I’ll get some protection.” I learned a similar recipe while acting a fool in Baja California chasing senoritas while downing margaritas. These tacos sure made my beach side dalliances more enjoyable. I smuggled the recipe across the border along with some fireworks and KABOOM! Pleasant pimpin’. Read the rest of this entry »
July 18, 2014
Come on a banging safari with me!
The Beach Boys sang about surfing safaris. They’d travel the world surfing and singing their little hearts out. Not a bad idea, except substitute banging for surfing, and singing for grilling. Now we’re talking about a trip to remember. We can squeeze in some waves and singing while in the final throes of banging. But it’s all about beach time fun time all the time. You don’t have time to waste in the water when you have hot tanning bodies waiting for you to invite them to chill out while you grill out. Use the surfboard as a prop and hint that you just won a lifetime supply of sunscreen. Offer to rub some of your grand prize onto their shoulders and lure them over to your beach shack. Demonstrate your skills out of the water and grill them up some crazy easy, low-calorie tacos that won’t harm their swimsuit bod. Now comes the easy part of the safari. Read the rest of this entry »
January 15, 2010
Get in, get out, get back to the task at hand.
Are you keen on getting your date to stare at you with slack-jawed
amazement? Time is a wasting if you¹re awaiting my answer. Sometimes the
slow deliberate seduction isn¹t right for the ones keen on the quickie. Sure
it¹s rushed, but you still want to rock that shit and leave them wanting
more. The same goes for a quick on-the-go delight. Here you have a treat so
tasty, so quick, it will seem like a wet dream. At least that is the
discovery I made on tour. There I was in some hot Chiquita bonita¹s bed
hungry as can be. Leaving her pad would mean dressing, which would mean
undressing again, something not necessarily guaranteed with the girl I only
met 48 hours prior. So I had to be quick on my feet. This is what I made
from the goods in her fridge. I¹m guessing it worked since we didn¹t leave
her place again until days later when my friends did a search and rescue
mission. At that point, she almost didn¹t let go. Perhaps it¹s best I got
out before she started naming our kids. At least she¹ll always have the
misty water-colored Cook To Bang memories.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: BANGARITA
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 taco-sized corn tortillas
2. 1Ž2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp butter
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 2 fat handfuls Gouda cheese chunks
First assemble the quesadillas by laying a small layer of cheese, tomatoes,
green onions, avocado, and another layer of cheese.
Use half the butter to grease a small pan cooking on medium heat. Add the
first quesadilla, cover it with the pot top, and cook until the cheese melts
(approx 3 min). Repeat with the second quesadilla and serve Œem up, champ!
This appetizer goes great with a little SIMPLY SEXY SALSA or GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.